Carly Rae Jepsen Is Secretly A 15 Year Old Girl

Have you heard Carly Rae Jepsen's song "Call Me Maybe"? If you haven't, you should check yourself to make sure you have a pulse. Before today, I had never seen a picture of her, nor did I know anything about her other than her wishy-washy position on whether she would like phone calls from boys. I needed to take a trip to ye olde Wikipedia.

Oh shit. She's Canadian? I have to assume her popularity is directly related to Justin Bieber; they are most definitely in cahoots.

However, I didn't read anything about her that would explain this:

It's like one of Katy Perry's teenage dreams vomited all over my computer. YOU ARE A TWENTY SEVEN YEAR OLD WOMAN. Stop freebasing pixie sticks baby and take a trip to Nieman's, maybe. You have no idea how much you'll thank me.