The Oscars 2012: Live Blogging

Welcome to The Oscars: 2012! Where everyone is trying to wear their absolute best, but surely some are going to fall short. After all, you can't have the good without the wretchedly awful! But enough of me talking about things you already know. Let's get down to the good stuff!

3:51pm - Grabbed a beer. Already half-way through. This is going to be a hell of a show.

3:53pm - Guiliana Rancic needs a sandwich NOW. And now Ryan Seacrest is talking to Michelle Williams, wearing a pretty red dress and VERY dark eyes. Has her hair grown at all over the last 2 years? Because I'm pretty sure it hasn't. She's had such short hair for so long. Busy Philips looks completely lost in the background. What is she doing here anyway?

3:55pm - Rooney Mara is here now, and her boobs look kind of strange. She's also channeling Angelina Jolie's arms, which isn't necessarily a good thing.

3:58pm - DIDDY. PLEASE GO AWAY. NO ONE LIKES YOU.

4:02pm - Did Jonah Hill gain all of his weight back? Discuss.

4:04pm - Maya Rudolph actually looks really pretty tonight. Typically she just looks like she walked out of her house wrapped in a sheet, forgetting to pull the rollers out of her hair until she was about to step out of her limo. But the hair looks good, the dress looks great - A+ girl. Now if you could pull out a Donatella Versace impression, that would be the icing on the cake.

 4:10pm - Totally thought Sasha Baron Cohen was actually Lady Gaga. MY BAD.

4:11pm - I wish Kristen Wiig wasn't wearing a dress that blended in perfectly with her skin tone. Though, considering the dress/S&M collar combo she wore last time I saw her, she could walk onto the carpet in a burlap sack and it would be better.

4:17pm - Sasha Baron Cohen just spilled Kim Jong Il's ashes all over Ryan Seacrest. He looks PISSED AS SHIT.

4:22pm - Dear Melanie Griffith: 1999 called and wants it's up-do back.

4:24pm - Way for Tina Fey to not look like a total hot mess. But I can't look at her any more because there is a REALLY big girl in the background fondling her tits. Way more interesting. J.Lo is here now. She's talking. I'm yawning. Blah blah blah. She's just plugging American Idol with Seacrest right now, and I really couldn't care less. I'd rather roll around on a pile of thumbtacks than listen to her speak.

4:28pm - EMMA STONE PLEASE NO. She has a huge bow tied around her neck, as if someone pierced her jugular, and it was the only way to stop the bleeding. Bad news.

4:30pm - Guiliana Rancic's shoulders look like birds. Kinda weird. And if I have to stare at Kelly Osbourne's hair any longer, I might have to kick someone in the throat.

4:41pm - Melissa McCarthy apparently loves SLEEVES. And JEWELS. JEWELY SLEEVES. And it's too bad, because I love Sookie. I wish she would just wear a chef's outfit, complete with the hat. It would have looked better than this shit.

4:54pm - Two points to Kat Graham for NOT looking insane. This might be the first time I haven't seen her wearing leather pants. Or a feathered jacket. Or something straight out of Bai Ling's wardrobe. The hair extensions are a little unnecessary, but considering what she's done before, this is godly.

5:00pm - GOOP! WHY? GOD WHY? Not that I really like her to begin with, but WHY? The cape is so pretentious; but that's not entirely unexpected. After all, did you READ her cook book? Neither did I. I didn't want to really read a book about food that I would absolutely hate.

5:05pm - Moved to ABC. Glenn Close looks pretty fantastic, especially considering she's about 80 years old.

5:11pm - Stacy Kiebler, Stacy Kiebler, Stacy Kiebler. I don't want to look at you or your big gold satin hip rose anymore. It's not like George Clooney is going to marry you. You're just one in a long line of blonde bitches that don't actually do anything except walk with him on the red carpet before ripping off their dresses at the drop of a hat. So kudos.

5:14pm - Way for Tim Gunn to be on the red carpet. What a good choice.

And now the show is about to start, which means I'm going to start REALLY drinking. After all, how the hell else am I going to get through 4 hours of applauding movies I haven't actually seen? Within 2 hours, I'm fairly certain I will be yelling at the television. ENJOY THE SHOW!