Sarah Jessica Parker Has Hair, Just In Case You Were Wondering

And boy is she wearing it like she knows it! Honestly. It's like her face had several straight nights of heated passion and love-making with the show Dallas, resulting in this...halo of hair. Or maybe this is what windblown hair looks like after you're finished running in the Kentucky Derby. There are a couple of theories on the table.

Either way, WHOA.

Jessica Simpson's Thighs Go For A Walk

As I was discussing with David the other day, we feel that Ashlee Simpson had a much more successful music career than Jessica Simpson, mostly based on the fact that Ashlee released "La La" - a song where she explores her deep-seeded fetish of role-playing as a feral stray cat. However, this doesn't stop Jessica from stepping out onto the streets of L.A. pretending she is the better Simpson:

But between the poncho and those shoes I'm pretty sure you stole from a hooker in 1975, HONEY. NO. At least your legs are shiny? You know what, it is too early for this. I need a drink.

Kate Gosselin Goes To The Kentucky Derby

"*mumble mumble* Should I go with this one.. or this one.. *mumble mumble* OH HI! I didn't see you there! This hat here is covering up the eye in the back of my head. It's me - Kate Gosselin! I finally got some time away from my eight walking, talking checkbooks children to spend the day wearing silly hats and watching tiny men race horses. I tried to bet all of my life savings on Sarah Jessica Parker, but it turns out she isn't in the race. Who knew?!

"Hold up. Is that who I think it is?

"Shit. It's Aubrey O'Day. Ugh. Her hat is so much sillier than mine. And I did NOT crawl out from under my rock of obscurity and baby vomit to get upstaged by this tramp. I mean the only network that picked up her reality show was Oxygen. I was on TLC. YOU HEAR ME? TL MOTHERFUCKING C! I won't stand for this. It's time to pull out the big guns.

"How do you like THEM apples? My hat has FEATHERS. Let's see Aubrey O'Blah top this. Also, Pedro, could you gingerly pour a Coors Light down my yapper? I just got my nails painted with an American flag decal; and I will be damned if this shit is gonna get smeared. Wait, the race is starting. GO SJP! GO SJP! If you don't win, the IRS will have my ass on a platter!"

Lindsay Lohan Wears A Double Dress

Here is Lindsay Lohan at what I can only assume is not an "alcoholics anonymous" meeting, but rather the annual Let's See How Many Things We Can Wear To Piss Off Krichael Gala. It's the only reason I can think of that LiLo would walk out of the house in this:

That, or the National Enquirer has been right all along, and LiLo has fallen off the wagon in a monumental way. I think the look on her face says it all: "That bottle and a half of absinthe made me think this dress would prove all of my toughest critics wrong; but I think it's going to make me hurl."

You and me both, LiLo.