Miley Cyrus Is A Bitter Hag

"HAAAAAWWWWW"

Miley hasn't really be in the news too much recently, especially once the whole salvia smoking video hit the internet. However, she did manage to come out and say a little something about those who get "discovered" through YouTube videos (looking at you, Rebecca Black):

"It should be harder to be an artist. You shouldn't just be able to put a song on YouTube and go out on tour," she told Australia's Daily Telegraph.

I agree, Miley. Instead of putting something on YouTube and garnering grass-roots public attention, more aspiring artists should sell their soul to Disney for a couple million dollars and a drug problem. What is the problem with America these days?! I blame the teabaggers. And Paris Hilton.

But really, Miley, why don't you wear something that doesn't smell like decaying crawdads and erase "Party In The USA" from all public memory. Then I'll try and take you seriously.

Jessica Simpson Is Still Rich Everyone

Jessica Simpson, as it became public knowledge a couple of months ago, is on her way to have a billion dollar company, despite thinking that her money is in units of McRibs and KFC Double Downs; and she couldn't be happier:

No. Jessica. I don't really want to look at you now. You know why? Because I can't stand the idea of this woman sitting at the top of a colossally successful business, where all she (presumably) does is wear clothes that are four sizes too small and freebase twinkies. That does not fill me with much self-confidence. So rather than looking at Jessica, I am going to look at the bottom of this whiskey bottle because WHAT'S THE POINT.

Lindsay Is Still Sober Y'all!

In response to her very publicly portrayed game of "lick the dirty Manhattan sidewalk at two in the morning", Lindsay has made a statement to set the record straight about allegations that she has hopped off the bandwagon:

“I was NOT drinking, nor do I drink! … I was with my brother, sister and friends. I was making a joke. They’re trying to make something out of nothing.” Lindsay adds, “Just because I’m out doesn’t mean I’m drinking.”

I'm just going to go out on a limb here and guess that this is one massive April Fool's joke; because why in the world would anyone get THAT closely acquainted with a piss-ridden sidewalk if NOT under the influence of - at the least - alcohol? And on the off chance that this isn't actually all a joke on us: congratulations Lindsay. You are the least believable celebrity on the planet. Next, you should make a statement about how your vagina spews freckles. Oh, wait. That one actually might be true.

Lindsay Loses A Contact

An undoubtedly stone-cold sober Lindsay (no last name required, apparently) was photographed doing this outside a Japanese restaurant in New York last night:


The internetz are ablaze with speculation on what exactly everyone's favorite fire-crotch is doing sitting on a New York sidewalk in a fur coat (Snorting a quick pick-me-up? Vomiting? Collecting half-smoked cigarettes to roll her own with the leftover tobacco?) but obviously she's just searching for a lost contact. Or praying to Mecca. Jesus, guys. I'm so sick of all the Islamaphobia permeating this nation.

Rihanna Got (cl)Ass

Rihanna graces the cover this month's Rolling Stone, seemingly unaware that her ass has devoured the vast majority of her pants:

Baby girl's got some hungry hungry hips

The interview is surprisingly candid, and definitely worth a read. To be honest, I never expected much from Rihanna when her first single was released back in the day, largely because it was called "Pon De Replay" and two out of three of those words aren't actual words. Nonetheless, she comes off as very eloquent and insightful in her interview. Here are some highlights:

On allowing the judge to ease her restraining order on Chris Brown

"We don't have to talk ever again in my life," she says. "I just didn't want to make it more difficult for him professionally. What he did was a personal thing – it had nothing to do with his career. Saying he has to be a hundred feet away from me, he can't perform at awards shows – that definitely made it difficult for him."

On liking it rough

"Being submissive in the bedroom is really fun," she says. "You get to be a little lady, to have somebody be macho and in charge of your shit. That's fun to me...I like to be spanked. Being tied up is fun. I like to keep it spontaneous... I do think I’m a bit of a masochist. It’s not something I’m proud of, and it’s not something I noticed until recently. I think it’s common for people who witness abuse in their household. They can never smell how beautiful a rose is unless they get pricked by a thorn.”

There's more on the Rolling Stone page, and more on The Superficial as well. I must say, Rihanna handled the whole domestic abuse thing like a real lady. Instead of taking the easy way out by playing the victim and writing cheesy Britney-style ballads, she released kick-ass, borderline dominatrix-status singles ("Rude Boy," "S&M") that establish her as a bad-ass bitch in command of her lovers, her sexuality and her career. She never went on the offense, never tried to ruin Chris Brown's career (quite the opposite, really), and in doing so, effectively ruined Chris Brown's career.

We tend to be heavy on the criticism here at Aren't We Fancy (largely deserved), but Rihanna gets a Fancy Seal of Approval from me. Well played, Rihanna. Now put some goddamn pants on.

The Kardashians Call Their Galavanting "Work"

Khloe's hair is so WILD, like a WILD BEAST.

Just like over the past couple of years, the Kardashian girls are still on a publicity blitzkrieg as they hit the cover - and primary interview - of Redbook magazine. What is Redbook magazine? I sure as hell don't know. But that's probably just because it doesn't feature pictures of Olivia Munn and Salma Hayek wearing the same dress, and then asking me who is wearing it best (the answer: Salma Hayek, because honestly, her boobs can do no wrong). Either way, according to Kris, the Kween, Kardashian (see what I did there?), her daughters are probably the hardest working people to ever grace the planet; and I'm even bringing Egyptian slaves into this comparison. Via Redbook:

It’s annoying when I hear, “What do your girls do?” Well, first of all, all of my daughters have jobs. They are fashion stylists and designers; they own a chain of stores. They had the stores before they had the show. And my kids worked from the time they were 13 years old. So to me, that’s a huge misconception — that the girls don’t work. They work 25 hours a day. And that they don’t have any talent? They might not be singers or dancers, but they certainly know how to produce a television show. Whether you want to call it talent or not, they have multiple shows on the air. [I want to say,] How many shows do you have?

Oh Kris. Kris Kris Kris. Let's be honest here. No one knew who your family was until Kim had sex with Brandy's little brother on tape and the footage "was stolen" from the magical vault where all celebrity sex tapes are kept. Your daughters are on television, mostly because their asses are far too large for simple print magazines to contain them; and we already knew ONE of them looked decent on film - albeit naked. Also, there are only 24 hours in a day, woman. Your daughters cannot work 25 hours a day because that's fucking impossible. It's called the progression of time. Do I need to call Rebecca Black and tell her you need a lesson in understanding the ways of time? Because at this point, I'm sure she has an entire catalog of helpful, educational albums that will get you on the fast track to temporal understanding.

But the biggest question on my mind is: does it really count as work if you're just walking around NYC wearing bad fur coats while being video taped? Because I pretty much do that every day for free. Where's MY goddamn E! reality show, huh? Maybe I should sleep with Ray J too, as it seems to be the best way to get the ball rolling. 

David, get the video camera. We have an assignment.