Chris Brown Further Proves That Celebrities Can Kill You and Get Away With It

Don't get too close, ladies. He bites.

The judge at Chris Brown's probation hearing yesterday praised the shit out of this womanizing asshole for "working diligently" and stopped just short of nominating him for a goddamn Nobel Peace Prize. Via RadarOnline:

"Of all the probationers I have had, no one has done a better job, or been more consistent than you. You are working diligently"

I don't really get it. What, was he working diligently at serving soup to homeless people and not beating women? Because I'm pretty sure those are just things that good people do without the affirmation of Judge Patricia Schnegg. I have a feeling the next line out of her mouth was "Of all the probationers I have had, no one has been more famous than you. Here's my phone number."

Dear Judge Patricia Schnegg: Need I remind you that Chris Brown bit Rihanna multiple times before slamming her head into a fucking car door? Now if this were Anne Coulter we were talking about, I'm sure we'd all understand a little leniency on your part. But it's Rihanna. Nobody hates Rihanna. In fact, I'm pretty sure you'd have to be a sociopathic kitty killer to have the nerve to punch Rihanna in the face. If he were any other dickhead he'd be getting his ass raped on a daily basis in a state penitentiary like he deserves but, you know, hooray for justice!

Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries.

Jennifer Lopez Makes A Clothing Deal With Kohl's

Jennifer Lopez has had a difficult couple of years. After having her twins, she tried to jump back into the music scene with a new album that was ultimately a taco-flavored failure. Now it seems she has nothing left to do to make money but design a line of clothes and accessories for Kohl's: The Poor Man's Target. I want to cry. According to Just Jared:

Jennifer Lopez is fashion forward in Gucci as she and husband Marc Anthony attend a Kohl’s press conference on Thursday (November 18) in West Hollywood, Calif. The 41-year-old entertainer and Marc announced their newest venture - two contemporary lifestyle brands - with Kohl’s at the press conference. A press release explains that the Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony brands will begin with apparel and accessories before branching out to include shoes and products for the home.

Nothing really reeks of success like designing clothes for a company that also carries clothing by Lauren Conrad. Just remember that the second your clothes hit the shelves, thousands of preteen girls will look at the sign for "Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony: Ropa Fabulosa" and wonder who the fuck you are.

If These Are The Sexiest Men Alive, I Give Up

I've never considered People magazine an authority on anything other than who has the worst beach bodies, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that they just named Ryan Reynolds the Sexiest Man Alive for 2010. But I am. I mean, seriously? Ryan Reynolds? Since when does having supporting roles in a slew of sub-par comic book movies (and one really bad romcom with Sandra Bullock, lest we forget) qualify you for Sexiest Man Alive? I call bullshit. The American people have much better taste than that, which is why they voted for this guy as Sexiest Man Alive on Facebook:

Vin Diesel. Vin fucking Diesel is the sexiest man alive. At least according to Facebook. I'm just going to assume you were only allowed to participate in this poll if you voted to elect George W. Bush twice, and if you think Two And A Half Men deserves all the People's Choice Awards.

Due to obvious lack of taste, I'm going to go ahead and name my own Sexiest Men Alive. First, Jake Gyllenhaal. Duh.

I WANT TO GO TO THERE

Second, Zachary Quinto. Also a no-brainer.

I could get lost in those eyebrows.

Nicki Minaj's Crotch Fails

I really want to like Nicki Minaj. I really, really do. She can rhyme incredibly well, and manages to pull together some outrageous wig/clothing combinations - like the Gaga of the hip-hop world. She'd been doing pretty well for a while, but then this happened:

 

At first, I thought this was one of Gwen Stefani's Harajuku girls after accidentally straying from the pack, lost, alone, and afraid in New York City. But no. It's just Nicki Minaj and her - for some reason - heavily pronounced crotch just getting some sun.

If there wasn't a transgender rumor going around before, there is now.

Ke$ha, Please Stop Talking.

Having criticized what Ke$ha has worn over the past couple of weeks / months / ever, apparently she has taken to New York Magazine to explain where she is coming from:

"I'm trying to look like a cross between Keith Richards and a hobo. But like a really ridiculously hot hobo. Or like a sexy pirate."

You know, I wonder what a "ridiculously hot hobo" would look like. Maybe something like Joaquin Phoenix before he finished his "documentary" where he was a crazy mother fucker. Or maybe like Bernie on Weekend at Bernie's because even thought I'm not really attracted to him, he was a total hobo - or dead. Basically the same thing, right?

Also, "Or a sexy pirate"? Are we serious here? The only sexy pirate around here is Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow, even though his hair is really gross and he could probably manage to take a shower once in a while. But honestly, Come on. Just stick to the glitter. It seems to be working for you.

Mischa Barton Makes Me Sad

Another open letter to Mischa Barton:

Dearest Mischa,


The last letter I wrote to you regarded the pseudo-flapper get-up you had going on at some event that I don't care about. And to be completely fair, since that *ahem* incident, I have been relatively impressed with your performance - primarily because you didn't walk out of the house looking like a poor-man's 1920's time traveler or a hooker waiting at the corner of Hollywood and Vine. However, given the photo about to be shown, I worry:

Do you feel proud to show the bottom half of your ass-cleavage to the entire city of Los Angeles? And can I please ask about your bag? Because it gives the impression that you are some sort of self-entitled art fag, carrying around his camera so he can take pictures of grafittied buildings and rusty screws from uncomfortable angles and shit. So please. For the love of God, get a stylist. I would be happy to work with you, given I have a salary of at least $500,000 a month, as well as a black-on-black Range Rover.


Thanks Mischa. You're the best!
With hella love,
- Krichael

Blair Waldorf: The Jumpsuit to End All Jumpsuits

At this point in the game, I have come to a realization that I will NEVER refer to any actor or actress on Gossip Girl by their actual name. It's just so much more fun to do otherwise. That being said, Blair Waldorf decided to wear this at the Harry Winston event last night:

Now I've seen a good number of jumpsuits in my day, and - dare I say - not all of them are completely fucking wretched. However, when I saw this picture, I couldn't think of anything else but Bellatrix Lestrange in a red-carpet ready death-eater ensemble. Even the look on her face says, "If you don't like this outfit, I will 'avada kedavra' your ass so fast it will make your head spin." And to that I say, "Sure, Blair. I'll accept it, mostly because I don't want to die unless it's in a really fabulous way - like a gondola accident." But let's look at the back of the jumpsuit, shall we?

That is straight-up ass. Right there. Or maybe it's not, but I like to believe it is. Especially because Serena Van Der Woodsen wasn't there to steal the spotlight, which gave Blair some reason to pull out all of the stops and say, "Hey, I can be sexy too. I mean, sure, my jumpsuit is made entirely of black lace and it fits me like I belong in an 80's soap opera; but I AM THE QUEEN BEE, BITCHES. And if Chuck Bass doesn't want to tap this, then I'm going to force Dorota to roofie that son-of-a-bitch and I will get what I want."

Gossip girl has so much drama these days - jumpsuit not withstanding.

Jessica Simpson Bought Her Own Engagement Ring

"Does this poncho make me look pregnant? GOD I HOPE SO."

So it turns out that $80 engagement ring is actually worth $100k and, therefore, was most likely purchased by Jessica Simpson herself in a Double Down-fueled bout of jealousy and desperation. Via Popeater:

“'No way could Eric, who doesn't have a job at the moment, afford to purchase such an expensive ring,'" a friend of Jessica's tells me... "'What’s the big deal? Jessica has more money than she can ever spend,” another friend explains. “If she wants to treat her future husband, friends or even herself to an expensive piece of jewelry, it’s her business and no one else.'”

First of all, I refuse to believe that Jessica Simpson has more money than she could ever spend. I do, however, believe that she calculates her net worth in McDonald's breakfast sandwiches and mistakes herself for a tycoon when she sees "5 million McGriddles" on her monthly bank statement.

That being said, clearly all Jessica Simpson wants is a baby and someone that pretends to find the stupid shit she says endearing. For a $100k ring (and a small stake in your McGriddles fortune) Jessica, I will marry you, knock you up and laugh at every lame-ass joke you make like you're Tina Fey. Think about it.

The Situation Now Promoting Abstinence. Right.

In a move that makes me want to smack my forehead against the wall a lot, The Situation, along with Bristol Palin, is going to be in a PSA by The Candie's Foundation promoting abstinence. From BuddyTV:

The video, posted by The Candie's Foundation, features the Dancing with the Stars competitors in what looks like a backstage setting. After a couple of scantily clad dancer-types wander past The Situation's eye, the player zeroes in on Bristol. Don't worry, she turns him down. And then the pair engage in a frank (if scripted can be "frank") discussion about the issues surrounding abstinence and safe sex. 

I have to give it to The Candie's Foundation. After all, who would be better to advocate abstinence than a man who has a) written a book outlining ways in which to pick up dumb girls, (presumably) roofie them, and fuck them, and b) had his sexual exploits outlined in excruciating detail both on Jersey Shore AND by the one (out of many, I'm sure) girl that refused to sleep with him. The man is a walking heap of greasy, roided douchebagery. I'm pretty sure nobody at The Candie's Foundation has actually seen or heard of The Situation before, resulting in a casting position that will surely send all of mankind to hell.

If you can actually stand it, here is the video:

Baby Steps, Ke$ha. Baby Steps.

Probably out of remorse for being photographed at the beach in her bra and panties, Ke$ha managed to wear something suitable to the beach this morning:

Now I'm not saying that she scored an A+ with this look. Sure, she's actually wearing a bathing suit, but with the Beverly Hills Kentucky Derby hat, the Ray Bans, the rosary, the lipstick, AND the side boob, this is sitting comfortably at D+. I understand that you want to look all crazy-fly for everyone, Ke$ha; just don't forget you are at the beach, not your above-ground backyard pool in Nashville. Tone it down. You'll do everyone a favor.

Little J: Then and Now

I can't seem to get enough of Little J. Ever since I first saw her grace the inaugural episode of Gossip Girl many moons ago, I've felt for her. And considering her current status as "cute-girl-gone-visual-trainwreck", my sympathy is growing at an alarming rate. But let's take a walk down memory lane with a commercial for "Shake and Bake" featuring Little J when she couldn't have been older than four or five years old:

If you look closely, you can already see the crazy building up in her eyes - which would eventually result in this:

Within the next three years, I'm certain Little J and Marilyn Manson will be indistinguishable from one another. PROVE ME WRONG, LITTLE J. PROVE ME WRONG.

Sweatpants Are All That Fit Britney Spears Right Now

This weekend's talk of Glitter and Jessica Simpson's engagement brought up some talk of comebacks. Namely, how Mariah Carey and Jessica Simpson will never have comebacks, and will probably just get fat and/or pregnant instead. Krichael and I had some disagreement on Britney Spears' comeback(s). I say there is no coming back once you look like this:

"Mmm, vicodin and ice cream is ma fav'rite"

The way I see it, Britney had more than her fair share of chances. I am still convinced that Blackout was so-named because she was fucked-up on vodka/xanax cocktails for the entire making of the album, and didn't sing a single note. (The Gimme More video is so dark because it's not actually Britney, just a stripper with a weave.)

And then there was that other album that was supposed to be her "just kidding, this is her comeback!" but was also an auto-tuned nightmare. Now I'm not saying that Britney will ever go away. Quite the contrary, actually. She'll always be passed out in a dark corner somewhere with a Frapuccino in one hand and the other down her pants, but it will take nothing short of a full head transplant/muffin top removal to get her looking like this again:

Kim Kardashian Tries To Stay Relevant

Kim Kardashian is not a woman to whom I give praise; after all, her claim to fame is making a sex-tape with Ray J. And this is no exception. No doubt doing filming for the new E! show Kim and Kourtney Take New York (*shutter*), Kim decides to dress as though she is actually important enough to care about:

Seen here in a jacket presumably constructed of 400 squirrels, Kim here gives her best "I'm important and refined" look as onlookers surely wonder why the Yeti got a horrible body-dye job with frosted tips. Most of all, part of me just wishes Khloe Kardashian was wearing this, because I've been saving up a ton of sasquatch jokes; but alas. Maybe next time.

I Have A Theory

At this point in the game, I think I may have figured out how Ke$ha managed to wear the shit she does - especially in this new photo of her wearing... things. Lots of things:

FEATHERS!

I'm fairly certain she covers herself in glue and jumps into a large vat of crafting supplies, probably induced by heavy Four Loko drinking. Honestly, it's the only explanation I can think of.

Also, for the love of God, put that lipstick away.

Thank you for your time.

Snooki's Birthday Party Sponsored By Condoms. Of Course.

It's been a while since I've read anything about Snooki; and it's about time I bring that girl back into the "limelight" (like she needs my help). Apparently, this saturday is Snooki's birthday party, which is sponsored by LifeStyles condoms - because Snooki is a strong supporter of safe smoosh-smoosh. And if the South Park interpretation of Snooki is any indicator (since South Park parodies are law), she could use all the condoms she can get.

However, it looks like she doesn't have an alcohol sponsor for the event, which begs the question: how will Snooki get her drunk on? According to Page Six:

Snooki will not have a liquor sponsor, however. Drinks, she'll pay for, because "she doesn't want her friends to drink cheap booze."

Oh. She'll PAY for them. In that case, seeing as I have been singing her praises since day one, I demand an invitation to this party. I swear I'd wear something slutty and cover it entirely with pickles. She would LOVE it! And then I can finally infiltrate her inner-circle and get a more personal experience in talking shit about Angelina. After all, keep your enemies close, am I right?

Jessica Simpson Is Engaged

Because being married to - and dumped by - Nick Lachey wasn't enough public humiliation for her, Jessica Simpson has decided to take the plunge once more into married life. Her reps just made a statement confirming that she and boyfriend Eric Johnson are engaged; and judging from the picture of the ring, Eric really went all out, buying the ring at Larry's Discount Jewelry. It had to cost AT LEAST $80.00. High rollin'!

In all fairness, I do hope that this works out for her, seeing as for the last 4 years or so, Simpson has been eating her feelings and declaring every man she meets as the "love of her life". I'm also giving her a month before there is a pregnancy confirmation, in which case I can finally mentally categorize her with Mariah Carey. At this point in the game, they are pretty much one in the same.