Beyonce Is Having A Baby-Z

The internet has been ablaze today with reports that Beyonce and Jay-Z (totally forgot they were together) are going to be expecting their first child, despite that this rumor has been going around for the last two years. Is it real this time? If it's a girl, will she be named Sasha Fierce? Will the baby be forced to wear nothing but Dereon? Maybe Us Weekly can help out with some of these questions:

Beyonce Knowles better brush up on her lullabies.

The 29-year-old singer is pregnant with her first child, the new Us Weekly reports.

Despite the happy news, no one was more surprised than the singer herself.

"B was shocked. She loves kids, but she wasn't ready to be a mother just yet," says a source of the singer, who married rapper Jay-Z in 2008. "She really wanted to get her album done and tour the world again."

Still, another insider says that the singer, who is in her first trimester, realizes that "this is a gift from God and she's so happy."

A gift from God, eh? I wonder if that's how her sister Solange felt when she got pregnant at 17 (or something). 

Part of me wants to sit here and speculate on their possible, maybe, who-really-knows child, but after my Teen Mom tirade earlier, I just don't have the energy. I'm just thankful that Us Weekly happened to be the only tabloid this week without a teen mom on the cover. Uh oh. I can feel my rage boiling over again. 

I need to find a bag to breathe into.

Tyra Banks Gets Her Ass Stalked

First a lawsuit from a pregnant teenager's mom, and now crazy pills and L.A. County Jail wristbands left on your doorstep? Damn, Tyrabanks, worst week ever.

Her stalker, Marten Williams Jr., was arrested for trespassing on her property earlier this month while trying to bring Tyra "offerings" (read: 12 snow-white doves, 3 lambs, and the still-beating heart of a younger, skinnier supermodel.) But the crazy don't stop there, because he's also been leaving her notes referring to 1/08/11 as their wedding day and seems to believe that he "he killed George Bush Jr. and that Michael Jackson is alive and living in Long Beach."

Wait, what?

"MJ alive in Long Beach? WAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Unfortunately I can't find a photo of her stalker, but the article describes him as 6'2", 220 lbs so I'm going to assume he looks something like this:

"I'll get you, Tyra! TYRA B!"

Snooki Whips Her Poof (Back And Forth)

Given the positive public outcry toward Willow Smith's "Whip My Hair" video, I'm not surprised that this actually took place. That being said, this video of Snooki needs absolutely no explanation:

GET IT GIRL.

I Hate "Teen Mom"

Something has been grinding my gears lately; and it was something I thought I would be able to put on the back-burner until it eventually disappeared into MTV's oblivion (Undressed, anyone?). However, Teen Mom seems to be taking the nation by storm, and I just can't take it anymore. I won't take it anymore.

For instance, look at this:

 

And these are just from this week. Teen Mom has been taking over my tabloids for the last couple months; and I simply won't stand for it anymore! I don't care about any of you. I want you out of my InTouch. And I am SO not afraid to get "God Warrior" on your asses.

IT'S DARK-SIDED! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE IN THE NAME OF JAY-SUS-AH! THEY'RE NOT CHRISTIAN!

Seriously though, GTFO.

Hilary Clinton Still HBIC

Although most of my posts thus far have been scathingly condescending (as I am apt to be in real life as well) I am not, dear readers, totally heartless. If there are two things that I will always love, they are teh gayz and Hilary Clinton. So without further ado, I give you the Secretary of State and pant-suit aficionado's response to Dan Savage's "It Gets Better" project.



Work it, girl.

Like I Would Pay For This Anyway

For a solid 24 hours, Ke$ha is giving away her new single "We R Who We R" for free if you sign up for her email list. Is this a good deal? Probably not. After all, the last thing I really want is my inbox to be filled up with glitter - lots and lots of glitter. But despite this very, very likely ending to happen after signing up for the email list, I did it anyway because I have no shame.


First: Her website is "keshasparty.com". Barf.

Second: The website itself looks like one of those tacky glittery pictures you would see on myspace.com all the time, you know, back when Myspace was relevant. It's incredibly distracting and - quite frankly - difficult to look at.

Third: Ugh. For the love of God. BRUSH YOUR FUCKING HAIR.

If you really want to, the link to the download is here. But just be aware, this shit is abrasive to the eyes. Then again, if you lived through her video of "Take It Off", I think you'll survive. I haven't even listened to the track yet, but I'm sure it won't be anything revolutionary. Call it a hunch.

I Am So Confused

I don't even know how to introduce this picture, other than telling you it is of M.I.A. - a fact that I'm not sure you would be able to gather otherwise:

I am fairly certain that this is directly and offensive retaliation toward the possibility of there being a new Sex and the City movie, especially considering the last one took an enormous shit all over the Middle East. So, despite looking like a bat-shit burka-wearing attention whore, I understand the message BEHIND the crazy: "If you let Sarah Jessica Parker on our land one more time, there will be hell to pay."

Also, ever since the meat dress, I think it might be impossible to garner serious attention by wearing anything made of actual fabric. We've entered a new age, people.

SIGN THIS PETITION

Pimple-faced teens the nation over are panicking over the realization that Taylor Swift's new album "Speak Now" is dropping on the 25th - a Monday. "What's the big fuckin deal?" - you ask? Well, pimple-faced teens will still be in school when the album is released. In an attempt to fight our oppressive educational system and its unrealistic "learning", kids are taking to Twitter to campaign for a national holiday on the 25th (of 2009) so they can wait in line for three hours to buy this:

Wait, that's not right, is it?

Er, I mean this:

Sorry, got my 'Speaks' mixed up

Now back in my day, kids didn't take to Twitter to ask permission to miss school in the face of pop-culture revelations. We skipped that shit, threw on our best hobbit costumes and hurried our asses to the theater for the most recent Lord of the Rings installment. But times change, I suppose.

They're at 173 so far, which is 19 more people than when I read this article three hours ago. Now get over to Twitter and sign this bitch so I can get the day off work.

Rihanna Will Dance for Doritos

Today in technology I never knew existed: potato chip bags that can communicate with your computer.

After a clip from her "Who's That Chick?" music video was leaked last week, Rihanna explained that the video is "promotional" only and that you'd better buy a goddamn bag of Doritos if you wanna watch it.

According to her, "There will be a barcode on the Doritos chip bags, you go home and hold it up to your computer and a video will pop up."

I won't make you buy a can of Pringles to see this shitty still from the video

Wait wait wait, Rihanna, I don't get it. Since when does waving snack food bags in front of my computer screen cause music videos to start spontaneously playing? Do I need to turn the computer on first? How much of your video can I watch if I just buy one of those little snack packs? Also, do different chips trigger different artists? Because I'll be pissed if Christina Milian's "Dip It Low" music video jumps at me out of nowhere next time I'm trying to watch porn and eat a bag of Cheetos. Goddamn it, Christina Milian, not right now...

Totally Whipping My Hair Right Now

Willow Smith's video for "Whip My Hair" finally premiered today, and she is officially my new icon. Is it weird because she's only 9-years-old? I didn't think so.

I wish this happened in my life every day. Every day.

Tyra Banks Gets Her Ass Sued

There was a period of time where I made it a point to get home by 4:00 p.m. so I could catch the newest episode of the Tyra Banks show. The woman is a talk-show genius that deserved my undivided attention - outside of the bottle of wine that was watching the show with me. However, it turns out that Tyra may have bitten off more than she can chew, since she is now being sued by the mother of a 15-year-old "sex addict" she had on the show in 2009. According to ABCNews:

In a lawsuit filed Oct. 8 in federal court in Atlanta, Beverly McClendon claims the show contacted the teen on her cell phone after she responded to a request on the show's website seeking "sex addicts." The girl was then picked up from her home in Georgia in a limo and flown to New York, where she was put up in a hotel, all without her mother's knowledge, the lawsuit says.

McClendon says her daughter suffered damages because the 2009 show "was undoubtedly watched by sexual deviants, perverts and pedophiles."

The lawsuit seeks a jury trial and asks for $1 million in compensatory damages and $2 million in punitive damages. It also asks the court to bar the episode from ever being aired again on television or online.

Wow. Just, wow. It might be true that the show was watched by some sexual deviants - some might consider me one - perverts and pedophiles; but COME ON. A million dollars in damages because of the presumed home audience of the show?  Sure, the mother should have been informed and provided consent for her daughter to fly to New York and appear on this wonderful, fantastic, quality television show; but what kind of mother doesn't know that her 15-year-old daughter skipped town? Did she tell her she was going to the mall? To the arcade? What do 15-year-olds do for fun anyway? Aside from getting sex addiction, I mean.

In the end, Tyra will come out on top. She always does, being the strong, independent black woman that she is. 

This news also, for obvious reasons, brings this video of the Maury Povich show to my mind. I'm sure it did for you as well. And if you haven't seen it, please, PLEASE take the time to do so right now:

Miley Cyrus, Meet Topanga

Remember when we were all 8 years old and Boy Meets World was the coolest fucking show in the history of the world? Remember Shawn's awful bowl-cut that heavily resembled the head of a penis? And remember how unbelievably massive Topanga's tits were? Well, apparently HollywoodLife.com wants to see a big screen adaptation of the show. Not only that, but Danielle Fishel stated that if the movie were to ever be made, she would want MILEY FUCKING CYRUS to play Topanga:

"The first person who pops in my mind is Miley Cyrus! Is that weird? I'm not going to lie, I like Miley Cyrus, I have her songs on my iPod on my run list," she said.

Miley playing another good girl role? With her recent racy videos and braless behavior it seems that ship has sailed for Miley. Danielle admitted she's not a huge fan of Miley's recent choices, but thinks she could definitely do the role justice.

"I question her latest decisions! She's rolling all over the bed and pantless in the limo, Topanga was such a good girl and Miley is just a naughty girl, [but] she can totally put on a wig and be somebody else. So put a wig on her and she could be Topanga!"

Does Danielle Fishel actually know who Miley Cyrus is and what she stands for? She stands for bad "clubbing" music videos and really, REALLY unfortunate denim shorts. And I will be damned if Miley were to actually get such a role. Not to mention, she definitely does NOT have the rack to play such a well-stacked role as Topanga. I mean, Topanga's tits were like torpedos (topangos?), constantly struggling to break free from their cotton prison. Let's do a comparison, shall we?

Nice pants girl.

OR...

I don't think there's really a chance. There is no Topanga without her topangos. Miley, go home. And don't come back out until you realize you are not Britney Spears circa Blackout.

Uh, Alright Kanye

The album art for Kanye West's newest album Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy has been released, and apparently it is too risque for Wal-Mart - so risque that it has been banned from the stores. Looks like everyone in middle-America is going to have to work harder to buy this shit. From his twitter:

- In the 70s album covers had actual nudity… It’s so funny that people forget that… Everything has been so commercialized now.

- I know that cover just blew yall minds … I wish yall could see how hard I’m smiling right now!!!
- I wanna sell albums but not at the expense of my true creativity.
- So Nirvana can have a naked human being on they cover but I can’t have a PAINTING of a monster with no arms and a polka dot tail and wings

Ugh. Kanye. I don't even have words for you - other than the album art really isn't that great. I'm more confused than enamored by your "true creativity". Instead of this, you should take a picture of a dog taking a shit and put it on the cover; I'm sure it will evoke the same emotional response - nothing.

The picture is after the jump, because, I guess it's kind scandalous (in that it has a boob). I know. I know.

Maybe It Really IS A Jersey Thing

I've discussed before that the only version of the Bravo Real Housewives franchise that I actually enjoy is Orange County. However, I guess some of the other housewives have the understanding that they are actually worth something more than tabloid fodder and cook-book deals. Teresa Giudice of Real Housewives of New Jersey "fame" has managed (somehow) to launch a clothing line, because she is incredibly talented. I mean, she went to college and everything.

 Aren't you excited to see the line? Because it is everything that you are expecting it to be (read: piece of shit):

 

At first, I thought her crazy face was reserved for herself; however, I was sorely mistaken, as I checked out the next line of shirts and tank-tops modeled by her children.

 

............. But the best part is coming up next. I give you, the hat collection:

This woman has the most vapid look on her face in every single picture. I also assume that her vapid nature simply spread to her "clothing line", mostly because everything is constantly alternating between black, white, and pink, while featuring Wal-Mart-esque printing and embroidery. I wouldn't even wipe my ass with these clothes. But then again, maybe I just don't understand. This is the one period in time where I would believe her if she told me it was "a Jersey thing". Alright, Teresa. You win. Now get this cheap cotton shit out of my face.

Ugh. I need to go to Barney's.