If Pop-Stars Were Cereal

I like to think I'm a clever mother fucker. Actually, I know I'm a clever mother fucker. However, sometimes I am a little slow to the draw - especially since I decided to drink my weight in liquor last night and my head feels like the slowly dying heart of a 600 pound woman. That being said, it's a good thing someone is doing my job of scathing Ke$ha, Miley, and the like while I am "recovering".

The Huffington Post made a fantastic list of comparisons between current pop-stars and cereal; and might I add, I couldn't have said any of it better myself. Here are a couple of my favorites:

Ke$ha = Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Ke$ha, like the un-milked square of the Cinnatoast, is hard and leaves a sticky film on your hand. Whether that sticky film is from the excess of tacky glitter on her body or the cocaine she no doubt just blew in a dive bar bathroom, I couldn’t tell you. But what I can tell you is that whenever you open up a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, you better be committed to the layer of grime that comes attached to it. And when finally put it in milk, it immediately contaminates the skim goodness and goes limp and lifeless. Much like if you throw Kesha in a shower.

Lady Gaga = Honey Nut Cheerios + Slab of Meat

Because it’s Cheerios! REINVENTED! Everybody knows that Madonna was the original Cheerios, but Lady Gaga came along to just add that extra touch of goodness! So it's not the same--it’s HONEY NUT! And it’s turning the Cheerios world upside down, since she’s the new queen of cereal! Oh, and add the slab of meat because she’s weird. But raw!

Justin Bieber = Baby Food

(no text)

You can check out the rest of them here. Trust me, it's totally worth it. And now I'm hungry.

Barbara Walters Thinks What I've Been Saying All Along

It isn't a secret to anyone on this site that I have a strong affinity toward Snooki; when Snooki does something - anything - it might as well be breaking news. Well, finally Snooki is going to be commemorated for being everything that I already knew she was. Barbara Walters has added Snooki to her list of the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2010. According to Life and Style:

The Jersey Shore cast's 15 minutes of fame still aren't up, and Barbara Walters proves it. The cast is among Barbara Walters' Top 10 Most Fascinating People of 2010, a source reveals to Life & Style. The cast members are gathered in NYC -- Snooki and J-Woww appeared today on Live: With Regis and Kelly and the Situation was on The View, both ABC shows. The cast is scheduled to tape its segment for Walters' special today or tomorrow.

YES. FINALLY. Barbara Walters has single-handedly proven that I am not crazy in my infatuation of this little bronze-covered pixie. Sure, the rest of the cast is considered a part of the lineup, but Snooki is obviously the most important aspect. I wonder if Snooki and Barbara will have a lot in common, like an attraction to juice-heads. Or drinking well beyond one's own tolerance. Or pickles - lots of pickles.

Yeah. Sure.

Despite currently being a popular staple in the pop-music scene, Ke$ha continues to grind my gears, and I'm not sure how much more I can take. Now, if you've never listened to Ke$ha before, I urge you: it's not necessary. Don't go and do it right now. You should also know that she auto-tunes everything, because that's what singers do when they have a really great voice:

"I accidentally read a review, and it was really positive, but at the end it said, ‘We don't really know if she has the best voice'. Which is bulls**t," she said.

"That's the one thing I'm most confident about. I don't have the best body in the world, but I know for a fact that I have a really good voice."

Right. I mean, look at Mariah Carey, or Whitney Houston. They don't use auto-tune; and you know what? Their voices SUCK. Ke$ha, you are so right; you look like a fat cow, but you sing like an angel. 

All sarcasm aside, I'm pretty sure that if cocaine were actually glitter, Ke$ha would be taking LiLo's place at Betty Ford right now.

The Lohan Gene-Pool Is Screwed

Quickly following yesterday's blatant exploitation of LiLo at the hands of her mother Dina, Michael Lohan - a "recovering" alcoholic - says that he is willing to fall off the wagon in order to get placed into the Betty Ford Center just so he can be close to Lindsay. What a fantastic father. According to TMZ:

We’re told Michael is going to show up at Betty Ford and demand admission. He will stage his own arrest — to show everyone how much he cares about his daughter.

Michael is saying he’ll make one more trip to Betty Ford to attempt to see Lindsay. If she won’t let him in, he’s going to get all drunk and then go back and make a scene.

I can't really say I understand how the Lohan family dynamic works, seeing as it is possibly one of the most convoluted, fucked up familial relationships I have ever witnessed. However, maybe in the world of crazy that runs the Lohan "household", alcoholism is somewhat endearing; it just lets you know that someone cares. I mean, that's deep. Michael Lohan is willing to get drunk for his daughter. This totally proves for me that blood is definitely thicker than water - or at least whiskey.

Little J: "I Wouldn't F**k Tommy Lee"

And here I thought Little J's quest to be a non-respected mainstream actress stopped at her "zombie-killer-in-stripper-heels" cover for Revolver. I was sorely mistaken. Apparently, Little J can do interviews too; and this one pretty much covers everything you don't want to know about a 17 year old girl. 


On Her Tastes In Porn:

“If it’s a good sex tape, I’ll watch it … I like some adult stars. I have a couple favorites. But I will say this: That Tommy Lee-Pamela Anderson video wasn’t very good. I wouldn’t f**k Tommy Lee,” the singer says.

Honey, none of us would fuck Tommy Lee. 


Aside from the above declaration of Tommy Lee's chances of getting Little J in bed, she also takes a jab at someone we haven't seen around here in a while: everyone's favorite Heidi Montag! Apparently, Heidi is using one of Little J's songs as a single, despite the fact that the song was written when she was only knee-high to a pig's eye.


On Heidi Montag Being A Dumb Bitch:

Momsen tells the mag she wrote a song as a child that Heidi Montag recently released. “I wrote a pop song [called 'Blackout' when I was 8] and recorded it with a producer as a demo. Heidi Montag from ‘The Hills’ just recently sang it and put it out as her single [laughs]. I’m like , OK, dude, you’re singing an 8-year-old’s words, but that’s cool,” Momsen says. “It’s so funny because I didn’t shop it or anything and I get this call going, ‘Did you write a song for Heidi Montag?’ and I’m like ‘What?’”

Hah! Heidi is singing a song written by an 8-year-old gun-toting nympho actress! This reaffirms in my mind that Heidi still has plenty of reserves of stupid left in her brain; she's just releasing them at a slow pace. Alright. I'll allow it.


Also, wouldn't this be an insult to Little J? I mean, of all people who are going to sing her pre-prepubescent song: Heidi Montag? That's gotta sting.

Because Dina Lohan Needs A New Pair Of Shoes

This Lindsay Lohan saga just keeps getting better and better. As we all know, LiLo is at the Betty Ford center currently undergoing rehabilitation for her undying love of blow. Now, some might think of this situation as private, something that should be left alone and not exploited for monetary gain because it might be, oh I don't know, a little inhumane. But Dina Lohan is a different breed, in that she survives solely (at this point) on LiLo's downfalls; and now things have escalated even further. According to RadarOnline:

According to Kickster, Dina is planning for an upcoming visit with Lindsay and is allegedly hoping to sell photos of the trip (which her other kids Michael Jr., 22, Ali, 16, and Cody, 13, will be present for).

“Not only has Dina been 'shopping' around her upcoming trip to visit Lindsay in rehab at Betty Ford... to media outlets for the sale of pictures BUT she is doing it to develop a new REALITY SHOW!",” a source told the site.

What? Seriously? No, SERIOUSLY? As much as I love jumping on this "LiLo is driving her career and her life into the powdery white ground" bandwagon, this is probably definitely going too far. Then again, Dina Lohan probably won't stop until all of her children have taken the same route and run the well dry.

Maybe she should try getting her OWN drug addiction. I'm sure that would make her some cash - or at least get her off my radar.

There Is No Way In Hell

A couple weeks ago, a girl came forward in the tabloids to let the world know that The Situation from Jersey Shore had an itty-bitty teeny-weeny little penis. But then these pictures surfaced; and now I don't really know what I believe:

I'm not even going to talk about how awful those pants are, because there seems to be a squirrel hiding in The Situation's crotch - and it's distracting. That being said, I'm calling bullshit. I mean, sure, I have a massive cock (I know all of you were wondering), but even my gargantuan member doesn't look like this in a pair of stupid fucking spandex pants. I assume this is all in direct retaliation toward that girl letting the (very small) cat out of the bag; and in that case, this is just a classic example of poor execution. So please: change your pants and get off my computer screen; you're freaking me out.

Wendy Williams, You Crazy Ho

I love Wendy Williams. If I actually had television access in my apartment, I would watch her show every single day - mostly because she does things like this. From the Huffington Post:

Wendy Williams had the Fry Guy on her show on Tuesday and the first 20 seconds of his segment looked delicious...full of golden-brown, deep-fried unidentifiable food objects.

But we soon lost our appetites when Wendy revealed that 74 percent of voters on her website wanted the Fry Guy to fry one of her wigs (over a pair of pumps and a tiny fan). And so he did, while Wendy watched and kept munching on something.

Wait, I can't eat that! Well, I mean, I guess I could, but I would prefer not to - primarily because it doesn't have any carbs. I refuse to eat anything that doesn't have carbs. Now where is my lasagna sandwich?

Watch the fried wig-ification happen right before your very eyes:

Little J Wears Even Less

Recently, Taylor Momsen Little J covered something called Revolver Magazine:

I've never heard of it; but judging from the cover, I assume the general demographic is pseudo-pedophiles, gun enthusiasts, shock jockeys, and people who love really, really terrible metal. Though, I can say that Little J seems ready for the impending zombie invasion, assume she trades in her lucite platform heels for something that's, you know, NOT lucite platform heels. Just a thought.

The Forgotten Child Of Destiny

Does anyone remember Michelle Williams of Destiny's Child fame? Yeah, neither do we. But that didn't stop her from showing up to a contest to find the best bartender in the world (?) wearing this:

 

Let's see here. Black romper? Check. Jacket of indiscernible material? Check. Thigh-high stockings? Check. But WHAT THE FUCK IS ON HER FEET? Hmm? It's like whoever made those shoes ran out of cow-hide half-way through and thought, "Whatever. No one remembers this girl anyway." And it's true. We don't.

Also, whenever I look at her face in this picture, I can't help but think of New York:

 

AMIRITE? 

This post also gives me an excuse to post this video:

You're welcome!

Star Jones To (Possibly) Grace TV Once More

Like Samson after a haircut, Star Jones seemed to lose all celebrity power after shedding 400 pounds of excess body fat. Well watch out world, because everyone's favorite African-American Hutt-turned-flappy-skinned-ghoul is BACK, BITCHES! (maybe)

While the current season of The Apprentice is facing dismal ratings, a source close to production has confirmed that three celebrities vying for a part on the next season are La Toya Jackson, Mark McGrath and Star Jones!

I suppose this post could have just as easily been about La Toya Jackson or Mark McGrath, but neither of them were ever the size of a pilot whale, and are therefore of little interest to me. But Star Jones, Jesus LOVE you, girl! He just loved you more when you still looked like this:

lovely!

Nicole Richie Is The HBIC

Nicole Richie just released an open letter to the website X17, as well as the paparazzi that work for them; and I do have to say that it's fucking brilliant. In fact, I won't say any more about it, and let the letter speak for itself:

YOU GO GLEN COCO! Because do you know what you are?

So You Think You Are Lady Gaga?

In an apparent attempt to make Lady Gaga even more rich and famous, some dumb bimbo is challenging her to a televised sing off with a one-million dollar cash prize. The ho's name is Alisa Apps, and this is what she looks like:

OMG I love your double-wide studded belt. Totes had one in 2001

And here's her press release:

"What's so great about Caesar? Hm? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar. Brutus is just as smart as Caesar. People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar. We should totally just *stab* Caesar!"

Now I, for one, am all for this contest. It's bound to be even more humiliating than the time I challenged Madonna to a witch-off. I'LL GET YOU, MADGE, AND YOUR LITTLE MALAWIAN ORPHANS TOO!

Lindsay Lohan No Like Probation

Before I dive into this one, let's all remember that LiLo is probably going BACK to jail because she violated her probation via heaping mountains of cocaine. And now for the story.

Apparently, the "team" behind LiLo is pushing for the judge to take her off probation, mostly because she is a collosal fuck-up without any concept of self-control. In fact, the probation is doing the exact opposite of what it is meant to do; probation is keeping LiLo ON drugs. According to RadarOnline:

Lindsay Lohan’s team is hoping for an early end to the actress’ probation period, which currently runs through August 2011, in hopes of keeping her out of more legal trouble, RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively.

"The longer Lindsay stays on probation, the increased chances that she will get in trouble because of problems staying compliant with the terms of her probation. The only person that can modify terms of Lindsay's probation, or terminate it early, is Judge Elden Fox," a source with knowledge of the situation told RadarOnline.com exclusively. 

Wait. So let me get this straight. The longer she stays on probation, the higher the chances of her violating it, thus sending her back to jail; so we should just skip the whole probation thing because she's obviously going to be blowing herself into oblivion anyway? This is just too good. Her "team" (re: Dina Lohan) is essentially accepting the fact that LiLo is a hopeless case, destined to run her life into the ground with that sweet, sweet powder - so why punish her as well? That's just a waste of the tax-payers money. 

Actually, I think I kind of agree. After all, if LiLo's in jail, what the hell am I going to write about? 

FREE LINDSAY LOHAN!

FREE LINDSAY LOHAN!

FREE LINDSAY LOHAN! 

JWOWW Found Her Niche

Being on a show like Jersey Shore, I can imagine it would be very difficult to parlay that into a legitimate career in the entertainment industry. However, JWOWW seems to be working the system to her advantage using her most valuable assets: her massive tits. According to TMZ:

Sources close to the deal tell us Jwoww -- real name Jenni Farley -- just signed a one-night deal to appear on Spike TV's "TNA iMPACT!" on Thursday.

We're told Jwoww doesn't have a match scheduled ... but she'll "probably be mixing it up" with a couple of "Jersey Shore"-alike wrestlers named Robbie E. and Cookie.

But Jwoww ain't doin' the wrestling thing for free -- we're told she's pulling in a cool $15 grand for the night ... and the two sides are working out a deal to get her to come back to the show.

... and to think, Snooki didn't get a dime when she got hit on television.

I love the fact that this wrestling show is seriously called "TNA", as if it isn't enough just to see a television screen filled with JWOWW's boobs. Not to mention, the show is in Spike TV - the MAN'S TELEVISION NETWORK. Thank you, Spike TV; because if you hadn't outright named the show "TNA", I would have had no idea what the draw could be.

Also:

This is the worst fake Snooki ever. She is WAY too tall.

Is Gaga Toning It Down?

I've been wondering if Lady Gaga is ever going to be able to top the dress made of meat, or the dress made of hair. But maybe the next level in crazy isn't so much dressing the part, but rather surrounding yourself with said crazy:

This is Lady Gaga performing with Yoko Ono, while wearing a body-suit very similar to that of Britney Spears in the toxic video, but with ... wait... less nudity? I'm confused. Sure, she has a spiked headband on, with Yoko being the ultimate accessory; but I'm pretty sure this might be a sign she is quickly running out of stupid shit to put on her body. Well Gaga, I have a few outfit ideas for you:

1. A coat made of live cats.

2. Two band-aids and a cork.

3. A skin suit (it puts the lotion on it's skin, or else it gets the hose again)

If you did any of these, I'm pretty certain you would NOT be allowed into your venue; but give it a shot, ok? And then give me credit for the idea; because if my claim to fame is giving Gaga the inspiration for a cat-coat, then I can die happy.

Christina Aguilera Splits From Ugly

When these two got married (how many years ago was that?), my mind immediately went into "what the fuck" mode. I mean, this girl is pretty, talented, and rich as balls; he, unfortunately, resembles a mole. I'm pretty amazed that they managed to stay together for as long as they did. I guess it's because they have a baby, but hell; if I were her, I would have hit it and quit it. Yeah, I probably wouldn't have hit it to begin with.

Also, is this the first time I've ever posted about Xtina? Now that I think about it, it will probably be the last. She just makes me zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Oh HELL Naw

Once upon a time, I spent two and a half hours of my life watching the most wretched movie I've ever seen. You may have heard of it: Sex and the City 2. Seeing as it was such a fail of epic proportions, I immediately thought that there was no way in hell anyone would think of making a third movie, continuing the franchise. However, everyone's favorite horse - Sarah Jessica Parker - is not quite ready to let go of the has-been cash cow:

According to Vulture, Parker (star and producer of the 'SATC' films) is not yet willing to say it's over for the famous foursome.

Gracing the New York City Ballet's red carpet at the dance company's recent Lincoln Center gala, the star said, "I don't know the future....I would say that you never know what will happen with that particular franchise. It's less about the reviewers than it is about the audience, and they've been pretty true, so we tend to listen to them more than anybody else."

No. NO. NO. I will not stand for this fuckery! You know what SJP? I was the audience. I spent $15.00 motherfucking dollars to watch you prance around in "Abu Dhabi" with dresses and heels that were far too colorful for a desert. Sure, I was blitzed on several cosmos; but that doesn't deter from the fact that SATC2 was a hemmoroid on the ass of the movie industry. There is no need to beat this dead horse, especially considering this dead horse is you. Do everyone a favor and just make a generic RomCom with Matthew McConaughey or something. Jennifer Aniston has been doing it for years, and look how good things have turned out for her.

Holy Cat-Suit Batman!

Have any of you seen the movie "Entrapment" with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas? Remember that scene where she is crawling through all of those lasers so she doesn't get caught doing whatever the hell it is she's doing? This is the Spice Girls version:

I mean sure, Zeta-Jones didn't have leopard-print knee-high stiletto boots on at the time; but it's close enough, right? Also, kudos to Mel B. for not having any camel-toe in this completely unnecessary catsuit. But that's not all! Let's take a look at the back, shall we?

OH. I GET IT NOW. She's just trying to show off how much booty she has in the butt. Though, I do have to say: in my ever-so-vivid imagination, she just completed the most exciting jewel heist in the history of criminal activity, snuffed a couple of KGB members, and STILL had time to show up to an event. It's just too bad she didn't have time to change her clothes beforehand.

Goddamn It, Mischa

An open letter to Mischa Barton:

Dearest Mischa Barton,

I've been following your carreer for quite some time, starting back when you were in that God-awful Disney original movie "The Thirteenth Year". Then you were on "The O.C." and you were wearing the most fantastic Chanel, Louis Vuitton, and Jimmy Choo. You were an IDOL. Do you understand that? And your screaming chair-throwing scene in season 2? FUCKING GREAT (though poorly acted, but we'll forget about that).

Then you started smoking joints in your Escalade, which is totally fine, considering I would definitely be doing the same thing if I were killed off of my television show in the most unbelievable way possible; I would also drown my sorrows in pot. But then things started to take a turn for the worse, with the yellow jeans and the "flabby ass". And then you decide to wear this:

 
I still want to like you. I really REALLY do. But when you look like you bleached your hair over the bathroom sink and cut it yourself, it gets difficult. I know you just want to look like a flapper, but you look like a poor excuse for a porcelain Tina Turner with one of Ke$ha's roadkill hats sitting on your head.

Here are some tips: a) wear something that FITS YOU; b) put on a pair of fucking heels, no more of these flats; and c) please reprise your role as Gladys on Law and Order: SVU, because that shit was just too entertaining.

Here's hoping you heed my advice, and stop wearing this awful, AWFUL shit. 

Still trying to give you hella <3,
Krichael.

I Can't Say I'm Surprised

As I mentioned previously, Ke$ha has some pretty fucked up taste in things. First it was the rope-hair. Then it was the glitter. But apparently, the girl has moved onto something a little more, erm, organic. Straight from the horse's mouth:

"A friend of mine has a big farm in the desert, and she picks up feathers and roadkill for me, then makes it into clothes. I think it's cool to wear roadkill. If I died and somebody wanted to wear my teeth around their neck to VMA's, I'd feel honored."

Wait... excuse me? Straight up dead animals? I think that might actually be a step above the meat dress. I can't say that the first thought I get when I see a mangled raccoon on the side of the road is "hey, that would make a great hat." This girl needs to get her rabies shot immediately. I'm scared of the idea of a glittery, 20-something running around with dead animals all over her body and foaming at the mouth. 

Speaking of foaming at the mouth, I love this video of Tyra Banks:

 

God, that bitch is crazy.

What Is Stuck In My Head? Part 4

God help us all.

Glitter! GLITTER!

This probably isn't going to be the most topical post I can do, but I have to mention this at some point.

Ke$ha. Ke$ha, Ke$ha, Ke$ha. You can't even spell your own name right for Christ's sake. You also seem to have some uncanny attraction toward glitter. Speaking of which, has everyone seen the video for her "Take It Off"? There is an overwhelming amount of glitter - to the degree where the actors in the video are made of glitter.

Also, am I the only person that thinks she kind of looks like an ugly Ashley Tisdale?

And now: for a haiku.

Ke$ha, your "look" gives

Me crazy epilepsy.

Lay off the glitter.