Jay-Z Is A Gangster. Seriously.

The Miami Police Department is obviously put in place to make sure that everyone stays safe, and that the Jersey Shore kids never return. However, they also may have the view that Jay-Z is the best physical representation of a street thug. After all, the police's website features a banner - with a visual aid - urging people to report any gang activity. Take a look at the banner for yourself:

What I am gathering from this banner, 40% of gangs are made up of Jay-Z - a fact that I didn't realize before. Also, white people with sweatbands and Ray Bans are easily the most frightening; but then again, I could have told you that without looking at the picture.

Thank you, Miami Police Department! You have opened my eyes to absolutely nothing.

Miley Is On A Roll Right Now

For what I can only assume is a self-gratifying outfit celebrating the release of her new music video, Miley Cyrus decided to wear this in public:

First point: You know how I feel about socks and heels together? It is similar to how I feel about daisy dukes with the pockets showing. And I do have to say. I take back all of the comparisons I made between Miley and LiLo; that is definitely not the road she's going down. Rather, I'm pretty sure she grabbed this outfit straight out of Britney Spears' closet. Maybe it's a southern thing. I don't know; and frankly, I don't really want to know.

Next point: BRUSH YOUR HAIR. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BRUSH YOUR HAIR.

Final point: I feel like watching the fringe on her boots sway back and forth with every step might be overwhelming enough to send me into an epileptic seizure.

I'm just waiting for the day that Miley is photographed walking barefoot into a gas station bathroom. You're well on your way, girl!

This, I Did NOT See Coming

We all know Justin Bieber has taken a good portion of the world by storm, with people already considering him to be possibly one of the biggest pop-sensations of the generation. Now, not EVERYONE holds this ideal, but I am just one man, while there are millions upon millions of tween girls who would not hesitate to stab me in the face considering how I feel about the boy.

Either way, like any self-respecting 16-year-old male pop-star, Bieber has made a deal with Wal-Mart to release a line of, and get ready for this, nail polish. NAIL POLISH. You're a smart man Bieber; or at least, your manager is. Way to capitalize on unsuspecting prepubescent girls. According to Oceanup.com:

Justin Bieber won HOTTEST HOTTIE at the Kids' Choice Awards Australia. He's launching his own nail polish line in December exclusively at Wal-Mart. Justin collaborated with Nicole on a line of beautiful colors for tween girls called 'One Less Lonely Girl.'

Clearly, the only credentials needed to start a cosmetics line is to win the title of "Hottest Hottie" at the Kid's Choice Awards in Australia. I've already talked about how I am scared shitless of Australia, mainly because of the massive fucking spiders, but if it's going to get me a lucrative business deal, then I can say I would be happy to be Bieber's successor. Just keep me away from the animals.

There are a number of colors being released on the line, which also have snappy little titles that only Bieber could find appealing. However, my favorite would be this:

Step 2 The Beat Of My Heart

 Does no one find it necessary anymore to spell words out fully? COME ON.

Give It A Rest, Miley

Yesterday was a glorious day, in that Miley Cyrus managed to release a new video, further catapulting her into an unending spiral of LiLo-esque career moves. The video, for her song "Who Owns My Heart", really gets down to the matter of being a self-entitled brat with NO ONE TO LOVE. But then again, being a girl who - at 17 - can regularly make her way into 21-and-over nightclubs on the L.A. circuit, I'm pretty sure she will find someone soon who can own her heart, or at least take advantage of it. Lord knows if I were into it, I would milk that cow for all it's worth.

I give her maybe, maybe, two more years before she falls off the deep end into a warm, comforting pile of A-grade blow; and that is a pretty liberal allowance of time if I do say so myself. Use it wisely, Miley (rhyme!). Use it wisely.

UPDATE: Is it just me, or does this song already sound like it's been remixed for the gay nightclub circuit?

Kourtney Kardashian Crushes My Dreams

Today, I was in the QFC buying a six-pack of beer (the fuel of champions), and I happened to see the newest InTouch magazine, though I didn't buy it because I'm as poor as an Ethiopian. However, the cover of the issue was all about Kourtney Kardashian; and apparently, the woman is PREGNANT AGAIN. Seriously, girl? Did we not learn our lesson the first time? I mean, sure: Scott is a BEAUTIFUL man, and any of us would be more than willing to bear his children - or something. But Kourtney, if the tabloids have taught me anything, it is that Scott is a terrible father that should probably be sent away to an island where, you know, dead-beat dads go. I think it's called Indonesia. I could be wrong; don't quote me on that.

To be fair, I hope the child is doing/does well; and I hope he or she has an awesome fucking name, with you incorporating the Kardashian name like the older brother. Because the name Mason Dash is pretty sweet. Not even going to lie.

Lindsay Lohan to play Iggy Pop in I Know Who Killed Me Again biopic

First things first, let's all take a moment to recognize that this is my inaugural post. Who would have guessed when I was but a boy that I would one day receive such a prestigious honor? Certainly not me, my friends, certainly not me. But I would be lying if I said I hadn't been waiting for this day since Jesus was a junebug.

Now that's quite enough of that. Let's talk about this:



Alas, everyone's favorite toddler-crushing, coke-sucking jail whore has managed to (potentially) find herself some work (other than this, of course.) Iggy Pop seems to think she would make the perfect Iggy Pop, should a currently-shelved biopic of his life ever see the light of day.

"She looks like me, and she's the only one with enough attitude too. They could tape her boobs up or something. She's been in jail at the right age and everything, so I think she could do it."

Now I know what you're thinking: "That makes total and complete sense!" I know. But it gets better. Because, you see, the part was originally given to Elijah Wood. How does one go from Elijah Wood to Lindsay Lohan, you ask? Allow me to demonstrate:

-OR-

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.

A New Addition To The Family

As I mentoned on my twitter (which I'm sure no more than two of you actually follow), there is a new person joining the effort to make the most awesome fucking blog on the entire planet (suck my dick, Celebuzz. you ain't got shit.).

That being said, it is my great pleasure to introduce the talented, attractive (but no more than me), and somewhat insufferable Mr. Godfrey. Can we give him a round of applause? Come on, people. LEMME HEAR IT.

South Park Takes On Jersey Shore

South Park is a brilliant show. Fucking brilliant. And apparently, they are doing an episode concerning everyone's favorite calzone-eating, fist-pumping, GTL-ing television show: Jersey Shore. Here are a couple screenshots from the episode:

NO JERSEY.

Love the girl's outfit in the background on the left.

How excited am I? SO FUCKING EXCITED. I already love everything about the Jersey Shore, in every way, shape, and form. And now it's going to be combined with one of my favorite television shows ever?! Excitement is falling out of my ass because I am so full of it - excitement I mean.

However, there is one question that is seriously boggling me: where is Snooki in these screenshots?! If she is not in this episode (somehow), I will send and angry letter to Trey Parker. You hear that Trey? You better deliver.

The episode premieres on the 13th of this month. Mark your calenders, y'all!

Lindsay Lohan's Clothing Line Is A Terrorist Act

It's been a good while since Lindsay Lohan graced the blog; and I figure this story is a great re-introduction to the girl that stole our hearts, and then pumped amphetamines through them.

Yesterday, Kanye West was in London to premiere his new short film "Runaway". He also participated in a question-and-answer session, where the subject traveled (somehow) to LiLo's participation in the famed Ungaro Spring 2010 line. What follows is nothing but Kanye West being Kanye West:

West, trying to be affable, reportedly referred to Lohan's recent collection as "the 9/11 of celebrities doing fashion" and said after it's ice-cold reception he thought: "Well, I can't do a line now." He said that people distrust celebrities doing fashion and that empty collaborations like Lohan's are partially to blame for the degree of skepticism that his non-music projects receive.

9/11. 9/11. LiLo enterring into the world of fashion was, straight up, an act of terrorism. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Kanye has a good point here though, in that LiLo's attempt at fashion design was an utter disaster and ruined it for all actual hard-working celebrities, no matter how nut-nut they happen to be (re: Kanye). However, I think he has failed to grasp a very, very important detail: LINDSAY LOHAN WAS/IS A COKE FIEND. There is no way in hell anyone could really, thoughtfully hire LiLo to participate in the formation of a high-end fashion line without reverberating waves of blow-induced crazy into it. To an extent, failure was to be expected. There IS a reason the girl hasn't gotten serious work in the last three years.

However, if Kanye actually does decide he wants to start a fashion line, I can't imagine it being sold outside of (at best) Macy's, and quickly making it's way down to the Burlington Coat Factory, and eventually Ross - a route no designer should ever want to take. Walking into Ross is like walking into a third-world country; and Kanye doesn't play that poor shit.

Rihanna Wears Her Sunday Best

Let's take a look at this for a second, shall we?

 

Apparently, for her attendance at the Miu Miu Ready to Wear fashion show in Paris, Rihanna thought this would be a good idea. And I suppose from the chesticles up, it's not bad. It's actually kind of flattering. But then I scrolled down, and my eyes promptly began to burn. Obviously the hemline to this dress is very matronly, reminding me of a 40-something woman wearing a mumu to church in the south. But that isn't my biggest issue here:

 

SOCKS. WITH HEELS. Ok. Kudos for matching your hair to your shoes, because that's some intense color coordination. But.. SOCKS. WITH HEELS. Not to mention, those are the socks you're going to find in the Kohl's sale bin for 99 cents every 3 pairs. Get that shit off your feet, grl. You're too pretty for that. Then again, I'm sure she could walk into the show with her feet covered in her own shit and people would still fawn over it; and next thing you know, it is Spring 2012's hot new trend. So what do I know?

Exactly How Small IS A Baby Ewok?

According to an interview with Extra, Snooki went on the record and said that she wants to have hella "guido/guidette" babies. Apparently she also has career aspirations. Hah! Oh, you silly girl:

The Jersey Shore’s beloved guidette Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi has a life plan. Snooki, 22, opened up to Extra about her plans for marriage and having some little guidos of her own.

“I wanna be married by 26, 27… get pregnant right away and have like, you know, four guido/guidette babies,” she told Extra. So what is Snooki looking for in a life partner?

“My ultimate guy would be hysterical, funny, makes me laugh, very family oriented, obviously tanned,” the pint-sized reality star shared. “He has to have muscles and just know how to have a good time.”

As far as Snooki’s plans for a life-long career, she said “I wanna be a clothing designer, hair designer… Try acting just to say that I tried it, and if I’m a success at it, good for me. If I’m not, I tried.”

Acting? You don't need to act. You are an act in and of yourself. Leave it at that. I mean, for Christ's sake, you're already writing a book, and you happen to be on the one of the most popular reality television shows ever. EVER. YOU HEAR THAT? Quit while you're ahead girl.

Also, what exactly is a "hair designer"? Am I ignorant?

Whitney Houston Makes A Magazine Cover

Lookin' good grl.

 

If you know me personally at all, you know that I frequent the tabloid rack at the local grocery store. My personal favorite is InTouch of course, mostly because of the crossword puzzle. I mean, the People Magazine crossword is so small and easy. The InTouch crossword is tough, challenging, and they always seem to mention Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt. However, whenever I see a copy of The National Enquirer with Whitney Houston on the cover, I absolutely HAVE to buy it. I will overdraft my bank account if it means I'm getting this magazine with Whitney Houston. 

That being said, I need to get to Bartell Drugs ASAP.

Oh, Little J...

Despite the fact that - being without television or internet at my apartment - I haven't managed to watch any of the new season of Gossip Girl, I am trying my best to stay somewhat in the loop without spoiling anything for myself. That being said, Little J, for some reason, decided that this would be a good idea:

"Don't I look FABULOUS?!"

Ok. So sure. She's wearing a mask, so you can't tell EXACTLY who it is. However, if you look close enough, you will notice, she still has raccoon eyes underneath the mask. This means, without a shadow of a doubt, this IS LITTLE J. 

Despite the fact that she looks a little like a bedazzled Jason ready to wreak havoc with her Swarovski crystal encrusted machete, we have learned from past experiences that masks can really make you looks so much better. I am officially on "team mask". TEAM MASK ALL THE WAY.

UGH Real Housewives...

First, I would like to say that the HBIC of the Real Housewives franchise is easily and most definitely Real Housewives of Orange County, mostly because of this crazy looking woman:

TEAM VICKI

In addition, all of the other chapters of Real Housewives that are springing up all of a sudden (Washington D.C., Beverly Hills, etc.) need to get to steppin'. There is not enough room on cable television - let alone the Bravo network - to allow for such a high concentration of rich, gold-digging skank. Now, there are a few women from the various series that do not fall under the "gold-digging skank" portion of my generalization; but goddamn - most of them do.

Speaking of which, does anyone remember Kim Zolciak from Real Housewives of Atlanta? 

Me either, really. I just remember she has hella fake hair. Either way, during her stint on the show, she managed to release a single entitled "Don't Be Tardy For The Party":

Uh, ok Kim. The problem is that this didn't seem to be enough for her. She needed to release MORE MUSIC. Well, you know what I have to say about that, Kim? Fine. GIMME MOAR. Thus, "Google Me" was born:

Bravo seems to have taken down the entire version of the song, which I can assume is only because she is a talentless, alcoholic, self-entitled bitch that serves solely as an embarrassment to the network. This was a good call Bravo. Probably for the best.

Humankind Gets Punk'd

How long has it been since Punk'd was taken off the air.. 5 years? 6 years? I can't even remember, honestly. And this makes me feel like an old fuck - a really really pretty old fuck. Well, there is word from Vulture (via NYMag) that says everyone's favorite Bieber (Justin) is slated to be the new host of the show:

MTV may need to start shopping for a trucker hat that won't mess with Justin Bieber's hair, because multiple industry insiders tell Vulture that the tween singer has been all but officially tapped as the host of a revival of Ashton Kutcher's Punk'd for the network, assuming all details can be worked out.

Well, fuck my ass and call me Taylor Swift.

I don't even know how I feel about this. I loved the first season of the show, despite the fact that Ashton Kutcher wore those DISGUSTING trucker hats every time; but seriously? This almost seems unbelievable. I almost hope this is the most elaborate Punk'd prank ever. Please, let it be.

Mariah Carey Is Edited For Saudi Arabia, Hilarity Ensues

Did you ever see that episode of MTV's Cribs with Mariah Carey? That woman has SO MANY SHOES. But then again, if I had that much room for shoes in my closet, lord knows that shit would be pretty full too.

Either way, I just discovered these photoshopped pictures of Mariah Carey on various album covers, posters, etc. - photoshopped because they were simply too sexy, sultry, and full of thunder-thigh for Saudi Arabia. I mean, look at this:

So now, rather than looking like a skank, she looks like Taylor Townsend from the third season of The OC (if you don't know who I'm talking about, look it up). Now, not to say that these photoshop jobs are exceptional, there are definitely some far worse ones. For example, I call this one "Mariah Buys Pants From 'The Sims 3'":

 

SO CUTE, MARIAH! It's almost like I really believe that you wear pants with the most unbelievable seam down the front. But the fun doesn't stop there! Here is "Harem Pant Mariah":

 

I totally almost bought a pair of those when I was in Spain a couple of years ago. I wanted them SO BAD. But, for the most awesome "professional" photoshop job I think I've ever seen, I give you "Hella Cat Mariah":

I love cats just as much as the next person; but if there were a cat of that magnitude sitting on my ample bosom, I might feel a little suffocated. Though, I do have to say: how much fun and how satisfying would it be to snuggle up on ALL OF THAT CAT? I mean, that's a shit-ton of cat. It would be the most epic snuggle ever.

I Hate Leonardo DiCaprio Slightly Less Now

And this is why:

YOU GO GRL.

Ewok Porn?

I can has picklez?

Snooki is a "jack of all trades", so to speak. She can read! She can write! She is short! She is tan! She can drink even the most alcoholic Russian under the table! So what could possibly be next in the great repitoire of Snooki-skills? How about being the spokesperson for a porn provider? Hmmm? According to the porn news site YNOT (beware of link, may contain titties):

According to a letter sent to her agent Sept. 23, FleshDrive wants Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, 22, to perform a non-sexual role as the “face” of the company.
“Our company image is that we pack a big punch in a little package,” Vice President of Sales Michael Gruosso wrote in the letter. “Who better to endorse our product than the woman who does exactly that? We know that Snooki makes a big impression wherever she goes, and that is why her tiny figure and incredible attitude will fit perfectly within the FleshDrive world. By merging Snooki with the FleshDrive, we know Snooki will make a great amount of money by doing very little.”

THANK GOD SHE ISN'T DOING PLAYBOY. 

That being said, I'm pretty sure this would be one of the most interesting celebrity endorsements in the history of the world. Could you imagine? First you're having a lusty soliloquy resulting in your surfing for some exceptional  porn; and all of a sudden... SNOOKI. IN YOUR FACE. Her poof would welcome you to the world of smut. Brilliant!

Next, if she gets an endorsement from FourLoko, I could die a happy man knowing that the universe truly does work itself out in the end.

The End Of An Era: ACK!

Do you hate Mondays? Do you frequently find yourself saying "ACK" whenever something crazy, stressful, blah blah blah happens? Do you have unfortunate body proportions? If you answered yes to all three of these, congratulations: you are Cathy.

Speaking of Cathy, the final Cathy newspaper comic strip was published this morning, thus thrusting that round, little woman into a lifetime of sweet, sweet retirement. It's a happy ending, but somewhat bittersweet. I can no longer think about Cathy while I'm having a bad day, and realize that her day is worse. I need a new comic outlet. Marmaduke, perhaps?

Here is the final comic:

It was a good run, woman.