Tyra Banks Wears Something Bat-Shit; The World Turns

Can someone please explain this to me?

Lady Tyra decided to wear this home-made fishnet mask at a masquerade party for French Vogue. She - evidently - was very excited about it, twittering:

So FRENCH VOGUE mask is sum cheap FISHNET stockings I got n crazy store n Paris! I cut em up n made it y'all. N did my ow hair n makeup.

Tyra, I love you. I love to watch you smize; I even wish I could do it myself. I really do pay attention to nearly everything you do and hope you do well in all of your endeavors. I'm also still waiting to hear about a release date for your highly anticipated novel series, because I will be the first person at Borders to buy that shit. However, there is one problem with this: you are NOT LADY GAGA. NO ONE CAN OUT-GAGA GAGA. TAKE THAT SHIT OFF YOUR FACE.


It seems as though Tyra managed to come to her senses the next day:

I thought about keeping my homemade mask but this morn it looked like cut up insane stockings so I threw away.Photos will be the memories

As my friend Julie said, NO SHIT. It was a terrible mistake, and I hope you never do it again. But GOD I love this woman.

Is This REALLY A Good Idea?

It's almost October (tomorrow!), which means that Halloween is right around the corner. Do you know what you're going to be? I think I'm going to be Naomi Campbell. I want to go to the thrift store, buy about 20 cell phones, and spend the entire night throwing them at people. It'll be great!

Though, if you feel more inclined to dress as a certain meat and hair wearing popstar, BrandsOnSale has got you covered! I present to you, Lady GaGa costumes:

"Stop telephonin' me-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh" GaGa

"VMA" GaGa

"Bad Romance Creepy Latex" GaGa

 Despite being $100 a pop, these costumes are relatively decent. I would never personally spend that much on anything I was going to wear for one day, but some people will - and more power to them. However, this is where things take a turn for the worse. Introducing baby GaGa:

 

Holy fuck. If I saw this child ANYWHERE on Halloween, I might shit myself. The poor little thing doesn't know what's going on, or realize that she's dressed as a crazy meat-wearing lady. And for $40, oh HELL no. 

She looks like a little GaGa worm.

 

Jersey Shore Makes It To Japan; I Laugh My Ass Off

Jersey Shore has become a staple in a decent portion of the United States - at least in my head it has. In fact, it's popularity has grown to such an extent, that the show has started syndication in Japan. However, it looks as if the Japanese hold a rather disdainful, un-politically correct view of the show. That, or the translated title is the most epic example of Engrish ever:

MTV Jersey Shore --- the New Jersey life of macaroni rascals

MACARONI RASCALS! HA! That is just too good. I just kept making calzone jokes about the cast of the show. I didn't even THINK of macaroni! The Japanese are fucking genius. They should seriously name everything.

Lady GaGa Is A Big Silly

I wasn't sure how - or if - Lady GaGa would be able to top the meat dress she wore to the VMA's a couple weeks ago. Then again, I don't have a team of people thinking of stupid shit to turn into clothing. Introducing, the hair dress:

I have a couple questions about this outfit. How are you supposed to match your accessories to a dress made of hair? Can the dress get lice? Are you seriously wearing those McQueen crazies at a show in a bar? Ok. Scratch that last question. Of course she is wearing those shoes. I mean, fuck; she's wearing a dress made of hair.

I wonder if she would wear this on the subway.

Tyra Banks Never Ceases To Amaze Me

Despite the fact that her talkshow is ending, Tyra Banks is still keeping herself busy being Tyra Banks. Observe:

Is that jacket being held closed with a safety pin? Is that seriously a leopard print jumpsuit? Is she ever NOT smizing? I hope that 3000 years from now, when our entire population is completely decimated and aliens come to Earth, said aliens discover this photograph and resurrect the human race in the hopes that everyone will look as bat-shit as Tyra.

And I Thought It Couldn't Get Any Better

Following in the footsteps of seemingly every reality star that has managed to put themselves on the map, Our beloved Snooki is writing a novel. I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED I CAN HARDLY CONTAIN MYSELF. Not to mention, it is tentatively titled "A Shore Thing". BRILLIANT! THIS WOMAN IS A GENIUS! I mean, surely - or shorely, HA! - she's not actually writing the book herself, especially since it is slated to be released in January. Then again, I wouldn't put it past her.

She is the ultimate ewok HBIC.

George Lucas Rapes The Film Industry. Again.

Because re-releasing the movies eighteen times before simply wasn't enough, George Lucas is - once again - releasing the entire saga of Star Wars in 3D. I've always wondered what it would be like to feel as if I am within a mere three feet from Sally Struthers' Jabba The Hutt's oily, lardy, fatty-fat-fat body while he mumbles something about how cool he is as his slave-whores fan him. I'm a dreamer. What can I say.

The problem is, THIS SHIT IS TIRED. We get it. It's a classic. It's a cash-cow. It will never be replaced. But JESUS TAP-DANCING CHRIST. God-forbid you actually make an original film again, George. And no: the newest Indiana Jones doesn't count. 

Also, according to his IMDB page, the question of the day is:

Why do we continue to be George Lucas' bitch?

I think this every day. Every day of my life. I also think about how that man could have any less of a neck. Seriously. Look at this:

You see that face? That is the face of a man who is as smug as the day is long.

Angelina Who? You're Not Snooki!

Despite having not seen the newest episode of Jersey Shore, I can still say, without a shadow of a doubt, that Angelina makes my blood boil; and I would gain an exceptional amount of satisfaction by smacking that girl in the face. That being said, she just twittered this:

OH HELL NAW. What could possibly make this girl - the most hated woman on the show - think she has a shot at becoming a pop-star. This is like when Leighton Meester went through that year-long phase of trying to be a pop-star; the difference, however, was that people actually liked Leighton Meester. I would wipe my ass with Angelina if I had the opportunity. But I guess warning people about the impending a-pop-calypse (See what I did there? GENIUS.) will have to do.

In other Jersey Shore news, Snooki wore this hat:

God bless America!