Twilight The Third: Vampires Are Awesome

So, I just finished watching the 3rd Twilight film (literally, about 30 seconds ago) and I have to say: vampires fucking rock. They rock so much more than werewolves, I can't even tell you. Well, I could, but I'll save you from that.

Either way, here is my "review", if you could call it that.

In the beginning there was Bella and Edward. Edward asks Bella to marry him, but there's a problem: he's a VAMPIRE! Granted, at this point she doesn't understand how fucking awesome they are, so I don't entirely blame her for saying "no". She also denies him because she has an English final to take. Worst. Excuse. Ever. Except for Spencer from Pretty Little Liars, because I'm sure she would do the same.

Either way, Edward is really sparkly, and Bella's soliloquies make me really uncomfortable. 

Meanwhile, Jacob (current love of my life) is still a werewolf, and has "WOLF TELEPATHY". And if that isn't the coolest thing in the fucking world, I don't know what is.

Vampires are rich, in that they live in an awesome house with hella windows, hella ceilings, and hella Tiffany china. Need I say more?

Toward the middle of the movie, the werewolves and vampires team up (I know, right?!) to fight off the evil that is the other vampires that I don't know or care about. Edward eventually asks Bella to marry him a second time, and it works evidently. I'm pretty sure it's because he's super sparkly throughout the scene.

There's a super huge fight going on, but I didn't really pay attention because there wasn't any blood.

Jacob is still in love with Bella, but he loses because he is a dog half of the time; and as much as anyone could love a dog, you can't fucking marry one. Or maybe you can, but that shit is NOT going to be recognized by the federal government.

Also, I would like to say, that Bella's engagement ring is the most obnoxious thing I've ever seen. Seriously. Fucking hideous.

Fight, fight, fight. Blah, blah, blah. Edward wins in the end (of course) and they make their plans to get married. BORING.

It is probably the best Twilight film I've seen thus far; but still, this shit is pretty terrible. Not to mention, this is the second post TODAY that features Kristen Stewart. She needs to bounce. Seriously.

I Don't Even Know

Kristen Stewart is dumb. Well, she might not be dumb in person; but I'm pretty sure she is. In fact, she should probably keep her mouth shut during ANY and ALL press conferences, for fear that she might say something to add to her heaping pile of stupid.

Too late.

We've all (meaning me) wondered why she has the most boring face in EVERY PICTURE EVER TAKEN. Apparently, it's not a face of boredom; it is a face of utter FEAR - fear that her fans are going to gather and revolt against her pale ass. Seriously.

"I look out there at a thousand people and I realize they could rush me and assassinate me."

First, way to use the word "assassinate", because if anyone were to rush you and subsequently kill you, it would most definitely be an assassination; probably because you are carrying the baby of one sparkly-skinned Edward Rob Pattinson. Second, seriously? Do you REALLY think that your fans are going to organize themselves, "rush" you and "assassinate" you? Honestly, if I were ever to assassinate Kristen Stewart, the obvious method is to shoot her from the top floor of the local book depository.

Shut up and smile, Kristen. You know why? BECAUSE YOU ARE FUCKING RICH AND POPULAR AND DATING SOMEONE WHO IS EVEN MORE RICH AND POPULAR. I don't even find you as detestable as I could; but if you keep saying shit like this, I will personally lead the assassination mob.

The Cutest Thing I've Seen Today

TURTLES! I love turtles. My mother loves turtles even more. And what better way to celebrate how cute turtles are by looking at pictures of them EATING! Goddamn.


Check out the whole blog, with OODLES and OODLES of turtles eating all kinds of shit HERE!

Pretty Little Harlots: Episode 4 Recap

She's always looking so serious...

I've been looking forward to tonight since last Tuesday, to be honest. It's not because I don't have to work tomorrow; it's not because I got paid; it's because episode 4 of Pretty Little Liars premiered. And what an episode it was(read: MORE SECRETS!)! Let's just jump right into it.

Pretty Little Bratz, Episode 4: Can You Hear Me Now?

I took a bit of liberty with the title of the show right there. And I am actually referring to the dolls, Bratz. You know, the ones with the really ugly faces and tacky clothes from the preteen section at Ross For Less?

Either way, the episode begins with the girls all getting together to talk about "A" (of course) and they decide to block messages from "A" in EVERY CAPACITY. Well, at least electronically. And it works; but only for about 2 seconds, as a flyer with Alison's picture shows up with "ding dong the bitch is dead" written out in blood. SpOoKy!

In Emily's (now on referred to as "the cwazy wesbian") life, she is finally starting to realize that she likes boobies more than balls - except she's TOTALLY FREAKING OUT about being a dyke, especially when she finds a copy of her LESBO PHOTOS from last week! While all this is going on, she is also lab partners with creepy-mother-fucker from last week's episode (now on referred to as "creepo")! But he's not a creep at all! He totally has a heart of gold! In the end, she kind of, sort of, maybe confesses that she wants to love on Maya, which leaves Maya somewhat satisfied, ready to "wait". Please. Come on. The lesbian side-plot this episode officially earns my award of Boring Of The Week.

Hanna is still blonde. She (somehow) remembers a) that she crashed her blahblah boyfriend's car into a bunch of boulders, and b) how drunk she was when she did it. But she don't care, because Daddy is coming home to visit! Or so it seems! Really, he's just there to clean up Hanna's proverbial mess. BUT! That's not all: it turns out that her father is also getting REMARRIED! The new family has another daughter, and her and Hanna do not get along. Basically Hanna is a blonde demon-spawn bitch. There it is. I said it.

Aria, oh Aria. Your name is part of an Opera. Why are you still dating a teacher? Remember how that's illegal and somewhat frowned upon? Sure, he's really cute, and can cook food, and tell anecdotes, but so can your local chef at the Baja Fresh (maybe not cute, but whatever).

Aria's plot is going to be only three sentences because I just don't care about her anymore (seriously, super boring).

1. Aria thinks that the teacher thinks that Aria is a child (convoluted, I know).

2. Teacher calls her out IN CLASS and raised a lot of red flags among the other students, duh.

3. At the teacher's apartment, they apologize to each other and DON'T spend the night together.

Spencer's plot-line gets my Awesome Shit Drama award for being so FUCKING AWESOME. First off, her totally kick-ass "Russian Revolution" paper from last week (that she conveniently stole from her sister) has been entered into a national essay contest. SO SCREWED! How will Spencer get out of this one? Who really knows; after this point, everyone seems to forget about it. Cut to the next night: Spencer is hearing HELLA creepy sounds in her house, which mean's there's probably a crazy hypno-racist ready to (I don't know). But it's not. It's Ren, the fiance that she kissed. He's drunk! He's a lunatic! He brought in a large potted plant FROM THE BACK YARD! And he confesses his love for Spencer is in the most unromantic way: scotch breath. She drives his drunk ass home, and they make out in front of his door which Hanna witnesses. Who didn't see THAT one coming? But when Hanna is driving her car, back to Spencer's house, a request from "A" to Hanna goes over the airwaves, playing "I Don't Need You Anymore". I didn't recognize it. Probably shitty song.

Two very interesting things about this plot line though:

1. The fiance's number was blocked from Spencer's phone (meaning that the fiance is "A"? Probably not).

2. Someone is VIDEOTAPING Spencer and fiance canoodling and holding hands and shit in her house. MASS CREEPY!

At the end of the episode, shit hits. Hard. Like, rock hard. Like a rock hard shit hitting something. "A" sends a letter to Aria's mom, telling her about the affair and (presumably) bringing Aria into the middle of this WHOLE thing. Meanwhile, Spencer is hearing something creepy inside her house while Hanna is with her. They get scared and send an "SOS" to Aria and the cwazy wesbian. What the girls find is a mirror with "It won't be that easy, bitches" written on it in "Jungle Red" lipstick, which was Allison's favorite shade. GUFFAW! This part also features the most poignant line in the entire series thus far:

Hanna: We're way out of our league.

That's right. You are. You know why? Because you're all FIFTEEN YEARS OLD. Jesus.

I'm so excited for next week! Maybe Aria will get pregnant with Teacher's baby, and the cwazy wesbian will get a fucking clue. A boy can dream, right?