The Oscars 2012: Emma Stone

When I first saw this dress, I yelled at the television, saying something along the lines of, "OH HONEY, NO," especially considering it was on the almost always adorable Emma Stone. But I suppose we all can't be our best all of the time:

That bow. THAT BOW. I'm almost certain if it weren't tied around her neck, her head would simply fall onto the carpet. It's very "Frankenstein-breaks-out-of-the-mad-scientist-lab-and-goes-to-the-ball" (and I know the monster isn't actually named Frankenstein, but I don't care). Also, when your dress matches the carpet as much as this one does, it looks like two arms and a head floating around, scaring small children around the world.

It's too bad this was her last look for the award season, no chance to redeem herself. I guess there's the.. MTV Movie Awards? Ew. Forget I said that. Sorry, Emma. Maybe next year.

The Oscars 2012: Live Blogging

Welcome to The Oscars: 2012! Where everyone is trying to wear their absolute best, but surely some are going to fall short. After all, you can't have the good without the wretchedly awful! But enough of me talking about things you already know. Let's get down to the good stuff!

3:51pm - Grabbed a beer. Already half-way through. This is going to be a hell of a show.

3:53pm - Guiliana Rancic needs a sandwich NOW. And now Ryan Seacrest is talking to Michelle Williams, wearing a pretty red dress and VERY dark eyes. Has her hair grown at all over the last 2 years? Because I'm pretty sure it hasn't. She's had such short hair for so long. Busy Philips looks completely lost in the background. What is she doing here anyway?

3:55pm - Rooney Mara is here now, and her boobs look kind of strange. She's also channeling Angelina Jolie's arms, which isn't necessarily a good thing.

3:58pm - DIDDY. PLEASE GO AWAY. NO ONE LIKES YOU.

4:02pm - Did Jonah Hill gain all of his weight back? Discuss.

4:04pm - Maya Rudolph actually looks really pretty tonight. Typically she just looks like she walked out of her house wrapped in a sheet, forgetting to pull the rollers out of her hair until she was about to step out of her limo. But the hair looks good, the dress looks great - A+ girl. Now if you could pull out a Donatella Versace impression, that would be the icing on the cake.

 4:10pm - Totally thought Sasha Baron Cohen was actually Lady Gaga. MY BAD.

4:11pm - I wish Kristen Wiig wasn't wearing a dress that blended in perfectly with her skin tone. Though, considering the dress/S&M collar combo she wore last time I saw her, she could walk onto the carpet in a burlap sack and it would be better.

4:17pm - Sasha Baron Cohen just spilled Kim Jong Il's ashes all over Ryan Seacrest. He looks PISSED AS SHIT.

4:22pm - Dear Melanie Griffith: 1999 called and wants it's up-do back.

4:24pm - Way for Tina Fey to not look like a total hot mess. But I can't look at her any more because there is a REALLY big girl in the background fondling her tits. Way more interesting. J.Lo is here now. She's talking. I'm yawning. Blah blah blah. She's just plugging American Idol with Seacrest right now, and I really couldn't care less. I'd rather roll around on a pile of thumbtacks than listen to her speak.

4:28pm - EMMA STONE PLEASE NO. She has a huge bow tied around her neck, as if someone pierced her jugular, and it was the only way to stop the bleeding. Bad news.

4:30pm - Guiliana Rancic's shoulders look like birds. Kinda weird. And if I have to stare at Kelly Osbourne's hair any longer, I might have to kick someone in the throat.

4:41pm - Melissa McCarthy apparently loves SLEEVES. And JEWELS. JEWELY SLEEVES. And it's too bad, because I love Sookie. I wish she would just wear a chef's outfit, complete with the hat. It would have looked better than this shit.

4:54pm - Two points to Kat Graham for NOT looking insane. This might be the first time I haven't seen her wearing leather pants. Or a feathered jacket. Or something straight out of Bai Ling's wardrobe. The hair extensions are a little unnecessary, but considering what she's done before, this is godly.

5:00pm - GOOP! WHY? GOD WHY? Not that I really like her to begin with, but WHY? The cape is so pretentious; but that's not entirely unexpected. After all, did you READ her cook book? Neither did I. I didn't want to really read a book about food that I would absolutely hate.

5:05pm - Moved to ABC. Glenn Close looks pretty fantastic, especially considering she's about 80 years old.

5:11pm - Stacy Kiebler, Stacy Kiebler, Stacy Kiebler. I don't want to look at you or your big gold satin hip rose anymore. It's not like George Clooney is going to marry you. You're just one in a long line of blonde bitches that don't actually do anything except walk with him on the red carpet before ripping off their dresses at the drop of a hat. So kudos.

5:14pm - Way for Tim Gunn to be on the red carpet. What a good choice.

And now the show is about to start, which means I'm going to start REALLY drinking. After all, how the hell else am I going to get through 4 hours of applauding movies I haven't actually seen? Within 2 hours, I'm fairly certain I will be yelling at the television. ENJOY THE SHOW!

SAG Awards 2012: Heather Morris

WHOA, MAN. WHOA.

Because Glee isn't awful enough on it's own, THIS had to happen. Netting is never, NEVER a good idea for the red carpet; and I've always held Heather Morris as my favorite actress on the show. Unfortunately, whenever I look at this, all I see is Shauna Sand moonlighting as a poorly-equipped dominatrix.I suppose when you're just a secondary character on the show, you have to choose your dress from the bottom of the barrel - or in Heather's case, the bottom of a cheap burlap sack.

SAG Awards 2012: Tilda Swinton

This award season so far has been a complete 180 for Swinton. First, she opted for a skirt with her suit jacket - still very Swinton, but leaning toward a more girly number. And now, at the SAG awards, we have this:

That is Swinton IN A DRESS. This is akin to seeing a dog walking on it's hind legs, or something you would see on an endangered species list. If this dress were on anyone else, I would probably mention something about the sleeves, or the shoes, or the waistline. But this is SWINTON we're talking about. Therefore, this is flawless.

Now I need to find pictures of some busted up dresses. This whole "giving compliments" thing is so not becoming of me.

SAG Awards 2012: Jumpsuit!

I'm not entirely sure who this is, but who the hell cares? It's a jumpsuit.

 
I could say things about how her feet have been engulfed by her pants, or that her suit looks as if it had every bead hand-sewn by underpaid Mexican workers, or that her boobs don't exist; but all of those arguments are moot, because THIS IS A JUMPSUIT. What's your name? Rose Byrne? Don't care. JUMPSUIT. All I see is JUMPSUIT.

The SAG Awards have officially won me over. I can die happy now.

SAG Awards 2012: Kristen Wiig

One time I had a dream where I was captured by the Saw guy, being tortured, and forced to eat through David's intestines in order to find the key to my jail cell. The biggest problem was, I needed to hurry myself to an award show red carpet! Luckily - not so luckily for David - I made it through, and eventually got to rub elbows with Tilda Swinton while simultaneously making fun of Angelina Jolie's constantly shrinking arms.

Unfortunately, I'm ALMOST positive that is what happened to Kristen Wiig here. Clearly she broke free from the binds of abduction and torture, but didn't manage to get rid of her bondage gear. And I understand that this is just the SAG Awards and no one REALLY cares about them, but come on; you should at least have the wherewithal to remove your dog collar before walking the carpet. It's just good manners.

Lindsay Lohan Is Getting Sued. Again.

Remember that one time Lindsay Lohan hit a baby stroller with her car? Good times. Well, apparently, she's getting sued by the nanny that was walking the stroller, who "sustained injury". You can't make this shit up. According to TMZ:

...a witness claimed he saw Lindsay run a red light in her sports car in West Hollywood, hitting a nanny who was pushing a stroller across the intersection.

The witness claimed 3 of the 4 wheels on the stroller became airborne. The child wasn't injured but the nanny -- Nubia Del Carmen Preza -- claims she was, and that's why she is suing.

And get this ... the witness told us, "She was in shock and Hispanic so she was scared."

As much as I understand LiLo hit a stroller with her goddamn car and probably deserves to get sued for whatever pennies she has left in her piggy bank, I will always take her side. Clearly this is an illegal immigrant nanny looking for an easy payday - and she might actually get one. Though there are a couple of things about this account of what happened that bother me:

1. How does the nanny sustain injury while the baby - who was strapped to the stroller that got pummeled by the car - gets out of there without a scratch? I'm calling bullshit.

2. I'm pretty sure the nanny wasn't scared JUST because she was Hispanic. She was probably scared because LiLo hit a baby with her fucking car. Clearly the witness is a racist and entirely unreliable. 

My point is, if LiLo is the defendant, you must acquit. The defense rests.

Rachel Zoe Is Horrifying

After seeing this picture of Rachel Zoe, I have a theory:

  

After getting fashion-dumped by Brad, she went on a botox spree, injecting it into every conceivable pore on her face. She can no longer speak - much less smile - but her face is as smooth as a 50-year-old baby's bottom. Luckily for her, she can still open her eyes (clearly); so what she can't show with facial expressions, she makes up for in smizing, albeit like she realized she just blew her cover as one of the final five cylons.

Am I right?

Miley Cyrus Makes Quality Life Decisions

For a while there, I had completely forgotten that Miley Cyrus existed. Once she turned 18, no one seemed to care about her anymore - much like Kim Kardashian in about two years time. However, imagine my surprise when Lil' Cyrus shows up on my computer acting reckless, as little girls often do:

Seen here drinking something boozy out of a carafe, a still only 19-year-old Miley is helping to celebrate her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth's birthday the only way she knows how: with no concept of discretion. But why stop at underage drinking?

Because getting drunk just isn't enough for her, here she is taking a move right out of the Courtney Stodden playbook: licking a giant penis cake with a herpes sore. If this is an indicator of anything, it's only a matter of time before Miley goes the route of LiLo, both being products of the poisonous Disney machine; and I can't wait to watch it all happen.

Today In Airbrushing: American Idol Season 20 Million

For Christmas this year, a friend of mine bought me a subscription to In Touch Weekly AKA The Greatest Magazine In The World. However, when I opened up the copy I received in the mail today, I found something disturbing:

WHAT IS WRONG WITH RANDY JACKSON? That is not the face of a real human being. He's kind of smiling like a camel, and is by far the shiniest of the four - a title I was certain would be taken by Ryan Seacrest. In fact, Ryan looks to be the most regular of them all; but this might be because no one has ever seen him without a pound and a half of make-up caked onto his face.

Steven Tyler is now just an older - and relatively wrinkle free - Liv Tyler. With a penis. Presumably.

J.Lo still looks rather J.Lo-y, albeit whiter.

But seriously, Randy Jackson. It's like someone buffed your face within an inch of it's life. OH SHIT and I just noticed your bracelets, no doubt picked up from a trinket store in Mexico. You look like a black cabbage patch doll for God's sake. Though, seeing as American Idol has been on the air for the last twenty million years, something utterly terrifying was bound to happen at some point.

I can't stop looking at his face. I'm going to have nightmares about this.

Today In Jumpsuits: Giada De Laurentiis

Well, technically, this wasn't today in jumpsuits, but rather Sunday. But once I saw Giada De Laurentiis in this picture, I had to bring it to everyone's attention:

WHOA, GIRL. Now I'm a big fan of the jumpsuit - always have been, and probably always will be; but this is something else. A cape, an ultra high waist, and legs as long as Gaida's head is massive. Seriously. It's like balancing a watermelon on top of a push-pin. I can't stop staring at it. It's too bad that this jumpsuit totally hides her tits, seeing as they're probably her best asset. To me, this whole thing is silly; but let's take a look at this from the back. Maybe she can redeem herself:

Nope. Nevermind.

Golden Globes 2012: Erin Wasson

I'm going to end today's Golden Globes coverage with this piece of work. I'm aware that this isn't from the actual red carpet, though it is from the afterparty, which is pretty much the same thing. Apparently Erin Wasson is a "model" and was a "muse" to Alexander Wang. However, I'm more convinced she sucked the soul out of Bai Ling and decided it would be best to go to the afterparty dressed like a cheap whore:

This is what happens in a real-life Pretty Woman scenario.* A hooker gets picked up by a fashion designer, thrown into a world of fame and luxury, where people actually wear clothes that are opaque and not made of lycra. It's MINDBLOWING! But if this shows us anything: you can rescue a whore off of a corner, but she's still a goddamn whore.

*I have no evidence that she was actually a prostitute. But judging from this, can you blame me?

Golden Globes 2012: Kelly Osbourne

You would think that hosting a show such as Fashion Police would give you some insight into what looks good and what doesn't - and for the most part, Kelly Osbourne has been doing relatively well for herself. Enter, this:

There are so many things going on here, that I'm not sure where to start. In order to easy my Osbourne-induced headache, I'll make this simple.

1. The only person who tries to make silver hair work these days is Jay Manuel. And NO ONE should ever try and emulate him.
2. SHOULDERS!
3. Mermaid silhouettes seem to have been very popular on this carpet, but I still don't understand the appeal. How the hell do you walk in that? If you fall over, can you easily get back up? Do they just want to be "a part of that world"? 50 million dollar questions, these ones.
4. Her smile says everything. She KNOWS she shouldn't be wearing this. She KNOWS it won't do her any justice. Yet here she is.

Honorable Mention: That clutch doesn't do any favors.

Whew. Now that that's all out of my system, I need a drink.

Golden Globes 2012: Elle MacPherson

I want to throw one thing out there before I dive into this: Elle MacPherson looks AMAZING for her age (47!). I can only hope I look that good when I'm that old. But I suppose I would have to MAKE it to 47 first. Now that that's out of the way:

HOLY SHIT THAT'S A LOT OF TULLE. Like, I've always had a theory that women don't actually fart gas, but rather doilies; though judging from this, it's obvious that as La MacPherson was walking down the carpet, she made a small toot, and POOF. TULLE. FLYING OUT OF HER BUTTHOLE. It's kind of impressive, really.

But in all honesty, this is much more of a wedding dress than one that's red-carpet ready. Maybe if you were walking down the aisle to marry George Clooney or something. So Elle, you might be smoking hot at 47, but you can't just walk out on the carpet in any old thing. This is proof.

Golden Globes 2012: Piper Perabo

When I first saw Piper Perabo in this dress, I audibly guffawed and turned to make a comment to David - but he is sadly in New York. But let's take a look, and see if you can guess the next three words I'm about to say:

LARA FLYNN BOYLE. She has returned from the Hollywood graveyard of obscurity, and still hasn't quite gotten over the whole princess, pseudo ballerina phase. Maybe it's not a phase; maybe she was born this way.

One thing I am grateful for is her face and pose in this picture. This is exactly what I would do if I were on ANTM, and Tyra asked me to pose like a swan, floating on a glistening lake. Of course, I would be smizing, unlike La Perabo here. She unfortunately just has a serious case of "I-had-a-bottle-of-wine-in-the-limo-and-I'm-sure-I-look-amazing" face.

You have not been chosen as America's Next Top Fashion Icon. You must now go home, pack your bags, and crawl back under the rock you came from.