Grammy's 2013: The Children of Destiny

Last night was the Grammy awards, the biggest night for the music industry, and the one night a year that everyone is forced to come to terms with the fact that Beyonce is better than them. This year was no exception, with Bey taking home the award for Best Traditional R&B Performance, wearing what is probably the greatest jumpsuit of all time:

In the past, I've always thought of Tyra Banks as the Queen of the Jumpsuit - that is, until Beyonce came up and snatched the weave right off her head. Now if she could just snatch off Taylor Swift's wig, I could die a happy man.

Kelly Rowland also made an appearance as Destiny's subtly skanky middle child:

I like to think she commissioned a 7-year-old to make a snowflake out of fabric. And the fact that it conveniently covers her hoo-hoo-dilly is simply a stroke of luck.

I can't seem to find any picture of Michelle Williams from the event, which leads me to believe that she wasn't actually invited. But that's alright. As the red-headed step child of Destiny, she was probably too busy eating paste anyway. But in order to round out this post, here is a lovely collection of La Williams' greatest moments, courtesy of the Huffington Post.

And with Destiny's Child reuniting for the second time, 2013 is bound to be a flawless year.

Oxygen Network Cancels Potential Cash Cow

The above picture is a promo for Oxygen's recently axed one hour reality special entitled All My Babies' Mamas. You see, this guy, Atlanta-based rapper Shawty Lo has apparently fathered 11 children with 10 different women, making him the most fiscally and socially irresponsible man since Michael Lohan. I had never heard of this show until just 30 minutes ago, but without doing any research, I'm almost certain Oxygen would have surpassed Lifetime in the race for "Best Lady Television". Lord knows I would watch the shit out of this.

Unfortunately, the civil rights group ColorOfChange.org thought this was "inaccurate", "dehumanizing", and portrayed "harmful perceptions of Black families." And that's probably true. But this little snag isn't going to stop Oxygen from bringing you some great programming!

"We will continue to develop compelling content that resonates with our young female viewers and drives the cultural conversation."

If this means that Bad Girls Club will never stop airing, I am all for it. Otherwise, I think I'll just stick with Lifetime for my girl-power TV.

Amanda Bynes Takes A Step In The Right Direction

2012 was a difficult year for Amanda Bynes, with behavior that put some of the craziest Hollywood starlets to shame. But it's nice to see that she is making strides to revive her positive public image. Today she posted this picture to her Tumblr showcasing her new, totally classy cheek piercing. The next time she gets pulled over and the cop gets a glimpse of that bedazzled face of hers, he'll probably rip up the ticket, give her a hundred dollar bill, and deputize her. Yeah. That's what would happen.

2013 is shaping up to be a great year!

Lindsay Lohan Fires Her Lawyer

You see this face? This is the face of a woman with solid reasoning skills and a firm understanding that the California justice system vehemently hates her. This is also the face of a woman who, despite the aforementioned hate, fired the lawyer that has managed by the grace of God to keep her out of prison. That's right. LiLo has fired her long-time lawyer Shawn Holley, presumably because the bag of crack and $10 gift card to Shakey's Pizza she was paid for filming Liz and Dick doesn't cover her legal fees. 

This may seem like the beginning of the end, but fear not! When The Canyons premieres later this year, everyone is going to be saying "Oh, she definitely knew what she was doing this whole time!" The last six years have all just been a part of an elaborate scheme to take over Hollywood. Five years from now, she will be at the top of the food chain, laughing at all of those basic bitches she stepped on in the process.

Or she'll be on Skid Row huddled in an alley shotgunning a can of Olde English. It's a toss-up.

The Golden Globes 2013: Oops, I Forgot

Having seen as many episodes of Intervention as I have, I always hoped I would never hit rock bottom. But then at work, my boss asked me what I thought about the Golden Globes last night, which is when I realized I had entirely forgotten about them. At that moment, I knew I had hit rock bottom. Hard. Like Lindsay Lohan hitting a bottle of vodka. Or Chris Brown hitting Rihanna. HARD. I've neglected all of you, and I am extending my deepest apologies. But since sincerity isn't really my strong suit, let's get on with this, shall we?

From what I've gathered from various news outlets, last night's award show was quite eventful, starting with Jodie Foster coming out of the closet (something I didn't realize she hadn't already done). After receiving a Lifetime Achievement Award for something-or-other, she stood up on that stage and said, "So I'm just going to put it out there, loud and proud. I'm going to need your support on this. I am... single."

Girl, that doesn't count. Though judging from the picture, that dress and hair combination really shows off her lesbian wiles.

Jennifer Lawrence - shown here looking totally natural and not at all uncomfortable - managed to get some quick criticism from her acceptance speech after she let everyone know, "I beat Meryl!". Don't worry, ignorant masses. She was just quoting Bette Midler in The First Wives Club, so shut up, trolls.

Taylor Swift lost the "Best Original Song" category to Adele, prompting this face:

That is the look of a bitter, scheming woman. Adele, that bitch is about to grind up your parents and feed them to you disguised in chili. Just watch your back.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley: Angelina did this already; and if I just look at your leg, I would swear you were a geriatric. Though your Oil of Olay anti-aging serum is doing wonders.

Eva Longoria looks like a madame.

And Emma Roberts looks like one of her girls.

I don't even know what to say about these girls. I keep getting distracted by their camel smiles. Though it is nice to see V-Hudge washed her hair and isn't wearing burlap.

And there you have it, the Golden Globes of 2013! At this point, I feel like I watched the awards in their entirety and I can finally rest easy. That is, until tomorrow, when LiLo/Amanda Bynes/Demi Lovato (maybe?) hits someone with their car.

We R Who We R: Lindsay Lohan Edition

Finally, after 18 million stints in rehab and a number of failed film projects, it seems as though our precious LiLo is finally getting her act together, landing a role in a Lifetime Original Movie playing the late, great Liz Taylor. However, I'm not alright with this. For years, I have said I wanted LiLo to revert back to the fantastic ginger actress she once was; but I've recently decided that she shouldn't have to change who she is for arbitrary things such as "respect" or "dignity". And evidently, she agrees.

Here is Lindsay serving some honey badger realness, not giving a fuck that she looks like a long-forgotten relative of Anna Nicole Smith. Though while her clothes say the bank just foreclosed on her double-wide, her face says, "I've got a trunk full of FourLoko and it's ALL MINE." I can't tell if it's pity or jealousy that I feel right now. Too close to call.

John Mayer Still Gets Laid Somehow

In the last few weeks, there has been a huge win on the part of women's reproductive rights; yet one obstacle still stands in the way of true sexual independence: John Mayer's penis. His penis has been bringing nothing but grief and misery to the women of Hollywood for years now, with no foreseeable signs of stopping.

It's latest conquest is Katy Perry; but it's not as risqué as it sounds. According to E! Online, they are just having "sleepovers":

"She has been having sleepovers there," says a source. "It is very private and they've been sneaking in and out. It has been going on for a while."

I totally get it, because I always sleep in bed with the person I'm not fucking. Which reminds me: I need to call Russell back and make plans not to have sex with him. We have the best not-sex ever. Even just thinking about all of the sex we won't have makes me super luke-warm. 

I need to take a shower.

Suri Cruise Got Hit By A Truck

Because Suri isn't having the shittiest month of her life already, God decided to throw a car accident into the mix. Apparently while leaving gymnastics class, a garbage truck - presumably filled with Tom Cruise's baggage - hit the side of Suri's car, and drove off. However, if there's one thing that you can't get away with, it is committing a hit-and-run on the most famous child in the world. The police were called, and Suri is now "feeling better". THANK GOODNESS. After all, how am I supposed to feel good about myself is Suri isn't?

I am enjoying the fact that while the divorce settlement has been finalized, the TOMKAT shit-house is still keepin' on; because this is the kind of news that solidifies America's standing as the greatest country in the world.

USA! USA! USA!

Mischa Barton Looks Amazing

Lovely Little Mischa,

THIS. YOU NEED TO DO THIS EVERY DAY. You've already done it once, so I know you can do it again. Don't make me regret the hours I spent watching The O.C. or that time I just happened to flip on The Disney Channel original movie The Thirteenth Year. If you never look like a crazy bag lady again, I can die a happy man. 

God love ya,

Krichael

Nicole Scherzinger, You're Beginning To Hurt My Eyes

Does anyone know what is happening here? I think I've had an aneurysm.

This is Nicole Shersherberger, doing what looks like a "performance"; but there is so much else happening here that I don't know where to start. It's as if Bai Ling and any of the Real Housewives had a child, and it just started taking pole-dancing classes from Carmen Elektra.

Is this honestly the kind of shit La Shersherzer keeps in her closet? Because if that were the case, I would personally go to her closet with a lighter and a can of hairspray and burn the fucker to the ground.

I know a lot of performers have embarrassed themselves on stage in the past (Fergie, I'm looking at you), but what does it say about Sherpaderp's career if she can't even get a full pair of pants to perform in? It sure as hell can't be good.

Aubrey O'Day Doesn't Understand How Clothing Works

I miss the old days of Aubrey O'Day, back when she was on Making the Band 2 with Diddy. She seemed to have her shit a little more together than she does now. After all, you have to fall pretty far to walk out into public wearing a lace stocking as a skirt and the most fucked-up "Bump It" I've ever seen. And given the way she's looking at the camera, I'm pretty sure she would give you a hummer behind a dumpster for five dollars. Tell me I'm wrong. Go ahead, do it.

Kourtney Kardashian Has A Baby Girl

I won't even lie. I completely forgot Kourtney Kardashian was pregnant. But I guess she was, see:

PREGNANCY

Today, Kourtney gave birth to a baby girl, adding yet another money-hungry mouth to the Kardashian Klan. Let's hope this child doesn't grossly resemble an Armenian drug lord like the last one.

The four horsemen are drawing nigh, y'all. If this isn't a sign, I don't know what is.

TOMKAT-GATE: The Settlement

LOL right.

It what seems like a whirlwind week, apparently TomKat have come to an agreement concerning Suri. She will live with La Holmes full-time in New York, while Cruise gets to maintain his reputation as a totally 100% heterosexual man, surrounding himself with what I can only assume are high-priced rent-boys that will undoubtedly be writing a tell-all book at some point. And for the record, I would read the shit out of that book.

I can't tell you how disappointed I am that all of this hoopla has come to an end so soon. I was hoping the proceedings would drag out at least until the end of the year - mostly so I can associate the "end of days" with Tom Cruise. But alas, we cannot always get what we want. I CAN, however, wildly speculate as to what will happen next:

• One day, a year or so from now, Katie Holmes will have a chance meeting with Michael Fassbender, evolving into a torrid love affair, with most of the emphasis on his enormous penis.
• Suri Cruise will grow up to become a white, self-entitled basic bitch, beginning her celebutante career with a sex tape starring those twins from Disney's "The Suite Life".
• Tom Cruise and John Travolta will finally admit their undying affection toward one another, resulting in the most successful relationship either of them has ever had. The sex will be exclusively Jerry Maguire and Saturday Night Fever role-play scenarios.

So for the time being, TOMKAT-GATE comes to a close; but fear not! When one celebrity couple gets divorced, at least three more will follow. It's going to be a busy summer!

Carly Rae Jepsen Is Secretly A 15 Year Old Girl

Have you heard Carly Rae Jepsen's song "Call Me Maybe"? If you haven't, you should check yourself to make sure you have a pulse. Before today, I had never seen a picture of her, nor did I know anything about her other than her wishy-washy position on whether she would like phone calls from boys. I needed to take a trip to ye olde Wikipedia.

Oh shit. She's Canadian? I have to assume her popularity is directly related to Justin Bieber; they are most definitely in cahoots.

However, I didn't read anything about her that would explain this:

It's like one of Katy Perry's teenage dreams vomited all over my computer. YOU ARE A TWENTY SEVEN YEAR OLD WOMAN. Stop freebasing pixie sticks baby and take a trip to Nieman's, maybe. You have no idea how much you'll thank me.

TOMKAT-GATE: The Drama Continues

In my mind, the whole divorce and custody proceedings between Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise seem relatively open and shut. She was seduced by his miniature good looks and charm, but trapped in his batshit clutches; and now that she's finally seen the light, she deserves everything she wants, including Cruise's dignity - assuming he has any left after this story runs it's course.

Guess where THAT is going.

Apparently, David Beckham has been dragged into the story, with rumors swirling that he and Cruise have been - and still are - in a tumultuous homosexual affair. They have been good friends for some time, which obviously points to some serious gayness happening; and poor Posh is standing on the sidelines wondering why her husband is so infatuated with this little munchkin of an actor.

I'm sure this story is entirely bogus; but for the sake of "jouralism", let's pretend there really is an affair taking place. First of all, of course Cruise likes dick. That's not news; I'm pretty sure I learned that in the second grade. Second, if this is true and Beckham really IS a homo, then what does it say about his taste - that he would choose to shack up with a big bowl of crazy rather than, say, me? The world would truly be a cruel and hateful place.

And while this story (and more) are circulating in the presses, Katie gets to sit back and watch her fortune grow. Given the way Cruise is being depicted in the media (rightfully so), I wouldn't be surprised if she walked away with everything. Hell. At this point, I EXPECT her to walk away with everything.

Tom Cruise subscribes to a special brand of crazy. And while us American's tend to love insane celebrity figures, I have a feeling that his crazy is going to bite him in his - freshly waxed and bleached - ass.

TEAM HOLMES 2012